Accept the loss

The first phase of the duel is carried out alone. The initial shock of the experience takes a while to absorb. It almost came in waves for me. One day while shopping for groceries, I had a breakdown. Suddenly I realized that I was buying one. My little basket seemed so empty.

I lost all desire to eat. Hunger hurts physically, but not when you feel like the emotional base has dissolved beneath you. Sleep and wake up at the same time. I have never felt so connected to Our Creator. The energy of Christ filled me and made all my limbs tingle the moment Mommy’s spirit crossed the veil. It opened like it does when a baby is born and covers the room with a peaceful aura.

I also felt a kind of blast all over my body that finally exploded out of the crown of my head. I leaned back and soon noticed the glowing energy, so I quickly got out of bed. On my knees, I raised my palms and absorbed as much as I could.

Slowly and loudly, I recited the Lord’s Prayer as if my ears had never heard it. Each word resonated intensely with a new meaning. I said “Ours” and I understood that it was very important to understand that we are a predestined family. With 7 billion, we light up the world with our combined spiritual energy.

Nobody chooses to grieve. Sometimes events happen one after another. I lost my home to a fire and then faced the heartbreaking losses of 4 family members in a row. My younger sister dying at 44 was a shock; her husband’s death a year later at age 44 was also an even bigger shock. A routine heart procedure led to his unexpected death.

The passing of my grandmother Rose was not a surprise at 95, but the timing was ridiculous. I did not even travel to Medina, Ohio, for his service as he was homeless from a fire and was fully opening Pandora’s Box called alcoholism.

Before Mom died, she said, “You’ve cried for Susan too long. Skip me.” (As if I had a choice). Today it is only 90 days since she died in my arms and I can remember every moment as if it just happened.

Some of the more abrasive images have faded. I don’t need to see another coroner retrieve another body in my life. It’s like always for them, but when it comes to your mother, it’s ice water on her face.

A female police officer was standing to my right, and when I saw Mom’s body roll over the coroner’s head onto a gurney waiting in the kitchen, my knees buckled. I leaned against the wall, but I was too far from her. The young blond officer who appeared after the hospice staff showed up caught my downfall. It would have fallen to the ground since it was about two feet from the wall.

A few days after Mom’s funeral in the Air Force, that same officer felt bad about presenting me with an eviction notice. Two family members canceled everything Mom built over the years in just a few weeks. Their animals were separated and scattered. I was so glad Mom didn’t have to see some of her beloved rescue dogs caged in the kennels. They came from there.

The wisest thing I did to deal with severe pain that stopped me was reaching out. I went to Mom’s old nursing home every day for almost 6 weeks. Sometimes twice a day. As my energetic partner Willie charmed the endless nurses and residents, I listened to the advice of people who had lived close to a century.

One lady shared: ‘It’s not what you had; is what you have left. And I have 55 years of memories to reflect on and an incredible spiritual experience just to show up. I was blessed beyond the years, behind the time; I was blessed with increased faith directly from OUR Father.

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