Conflict resolution: 7 keys to start a conversation about something that is really bothering you

Do you have a situation at work where you need to confront someone about something unacceptable they are doing?

This type of situation requires a private confrontation, a “fierce talk” with the person who has the problems. This is a concept I learned from the book. fierce conversations by Susan Scott. To start this conversation, you need to craft a 60-second opening statement. That’s right… only 60 seconds… so practice it. The following is what will go in your opening statement with examples:

  1. name the problem: “Joe, I want to talk to you about the effect your behavior in meetings is having on me.”
  2. Select a specific example that illustrates the behavior or situation you want to change: “An example is last Friday’s staff meeting when you stood up, pointed at me and yelled at me saying I had to do things your way.”
  3. Describe your emotions on this topic.: “I feel like I don’t have your respect when you act this way. It makes me not want to work with you, and I do want to have a good working relationship with you.”
  4. Clarify what is at stake: “The bottom line is that this prevents us from working together to achieve common goals, plus it makes us both unhappy and makes everyone else in the room uncomfortable.”
  5. Identify your contribution to this problem: “I was to blame because I let you continue doing this without speaking.”
  6. Indicate your desire to solve the problem: “This is what I want to work out with you, Joe: the effect losing my temper is having on me and the rest of the team.” (Note: important to use the word “resolve” in your conversation)
  7. Invite your partner to respond: “I want to understand what’s going on from your perspective. How can we have a better working relationship?”

Then shut your mouth and listen. She may be surprised at what happens.

Try this with someone you have a conflict with and let me know how it turns out.

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