Do you have a garden of resentment?

My sisters and I talked at a recent family gathering about how each of us handles conflict differently. We remember our teenage years when one or two of us would easily lash out at my mom or dad when something didn’t go as planned (I’m not naming names!). This kind of reaction, which we all remember, was unbelievable for those of us who bit our lip, acted like everything was fine, and scurried off to lick our wounds.

I’m one of those who would slip away. But the sadness or anger (usually the operative emotion) did not evaporate. I fed it by feeling sorry for myself, having bad thoughts about my parents, or complaining to a friend.

Maybe it’s this time of year, I hear birds singing as I write, but as we talked, an image in a garden came to mind: nursing pain, cultivating self-righteousness, and watering the victim. -and place in my body and heart.

I grew up as an accomplished gardener. I was well into adulthood when I realized that nothing but resentment was really growing. And I was slowly killing myself and my relationships. Fearing to vent anger and damage the relationship, I was, in my own way, doing the same damage. So I started looking for another way.

In conflicts and difficult conversations, we often see two paths: express anger in a tense and harsh way (explode), or avoid and pretend things are okay (shut down). I began to observe communicators who had found a third way; who combined a direct and straightforward approach with empathy and curiosity. People who could be present, address your concerns and be heard.

It motivated me to learn and little by little I was improving. I made mistakes. Sometimes he was too assertive; sometimes too acquiescent. Teaching these skills for almost two decades, I am still learning.

Here are some practices to help you make a third decision when you are about to lash out or shut up:

Stay. Pema Chodron talks about the ability to be present with whatever is going on in your mind, heart, and body. I call it centering. Don’t react. When you can be present with yourself, you can be present with others.

Know your purpose. The power of purpose always trumps reaction. What do you want to achieve with this communication? How do you want the relationship to be? Focus on what you want.

Be curious. Of all the skills I teach, curiosity is in the top three. (You’ve already read the other two.) Decide to be interested, fascinated, and open to learning, about them and about yourself. This is how you stay powerful and present.

Every difficult moment is a WHO moment. Take advantage of every opportunity to create the life you want.