Hidden assets

“Damn this eye patch!” Frustrated, Dr. Bonnette looked over and under his bifocals, trying to focus on his next patient’s medical history. “I can’t believe my wife hit me in the eye while we were having sex. That’s the last time I let her play that game.”

He got up from his desk and walked to the exam room door. He poked his head around the waiting room door to call his next patient. “Mr. Spencer? Norm Spencer?”

Norm Spencer was standing in the corner of the waiting room, trying not to look conspicuous. He waddled out the door; a few chuckles followed.

“Norm, how are you? I haven’t seen you in a while.” Dr. Bonnette placed a clean sheet of paper on the exam table and tapped the padded surface. “Get up. Tell me what brings you today.”

“Um. I’d rather be on my feet right now,” Norm replied.

“Oh? Problems with your hips again? Problems sitting and standing?” Dr. Bonnette reviewed Norm’s history. “Hmm. I took you some medications that should have relieved the pain. They don’t work?”

“Um. No. I mean yes. Yes, the drugs are working.”

Dr. Bonnette looked back at Norm. “Okay. Well. What happens then?” He gestured with the clipboard toward the exam room door. “I have a room full of patients waiting.”

Norm looked at his shoes and muttered, “I have something stuck inside me.”

“Oh. Constipation. I understand. Sensitive subject. I can fix that very quickly. No problem.”

“No, no. Not constipation.” Norm waved his hand, but kept his eyes warned. “In fact, I have something trapped inside me.”

Dr. Bonnette looked at his patient, waiting for some explanation. After a long pause, he asked, “Did you swallow something? Oh yeah. You swallowed something indigestible and now you have a bowel blockage. Hmm, that’s a real problem. We’ll need X-rays.”

Norm blurted out, “I’ve got a SheWee up my ass.”

Dr. Bonnette stopped and looked at his patient. “Come again?”

“For SheWee,” Norm muttered. “I’ve got a SheWee up my ass.”

Dr. Bonnette looked away for a moment, bit his upper lip, and then looked back at Norm. “What the hell is a SheWee, and how in the name of all that is sacred did it get stuck inside your rectum? ? “

Norm shifted his weight from one leg to the other. “It’s a little plastic thing that women use to be able to urinate while standing up.”

Dr. Bonnette scratched the back of his neck. “It’s okay, Norm. We’ve known each other for a long time.” Bonnette’s voice trailed off, then her eyes lit up, “Wait a minute! This is a joke, right? My wife goaded you into this?”

“No I’m serious.” He looked directly into the doctor’s unpatched eye and repeated again, slowly. “I have a SheWee up my butt.”

Bonnette took off her glasses and rubbed her one good eye. “Norm, it better be real. Tell me. How did you get this … this SheWee thing stuck in your anus? I know you like inventive sex, and I warned you to be careful with your makeshift toys, but what about you? seriously? I need to know how this happened. ” He picked up the phone. “Nurse Conner? Dr. Bonnette. I have a patient who needs a little more …” He looked at Norm. “… time with me. Could you try to get the other doctors to see the rest of the patients? Thank you.” He hung up the phone and turned to Norm. “Go on. Go on, please. How did this thing get stuck inside of you?”

“Well, I had this idea for a new invention.”

“An invention?” Bonnette looked puzzled. “What kind of invention would lead to getting a SheWee up your rectum?”

“Well, it was the right size and shape.”

“So that?”

“I was trying to invent a portable bidet.”

Dr. Bonnette rubbed his forehead. “A bidet … portable?”

“Exactly. Look, I thought it might come in handy in public restrooms. You know, sometimes when you have some, you know, loose stools? So you try to clean up and it stains instead. Well, I thought, hey, how about a bidet? A little handheld unit that would hit your butt with a stream of water and then suck up the dirty stuff to dispose of later. ” Norm stood there, looking proud.

Dr. Bonnette simply shook his head. “Norm, did you think about this alone?”

“Yes.”

“No help from anyone else?”

“No.”

Dr. Bonnette breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank God. I didn’t think there was anyone else with ideas like yours.”

“That’s correct. My whole idea.”

“So, I have to ask. How come this … SheWee got into your ass?”

“Well that’s it,” Norm began. “My handheld bidet works in two stages; rinse, then suction. The rinse cycle works perfectly. No leaks, no splashes. But then the suction cycle, um, uh, it failed. Too much suction. Before I knew it, the thing just went straight up my ass. I was able to disconnect the suction, but by then, well, you know … “He gestured toward his butt.” I’m here. . “

“I need to know what this SheWee thing is like. Wait a minute.” Dr. Bonnette Googled SheWee on his laptop. “Hmm. Interesting. This is a pretty good product, actually. I bet my wife would want one. She always complains about the long lines during intermission at the theater. Wait, no, it really won’t work for her. Dress or skirt to go out, never pants. “

“Doctor! Please! My ass.”

“Sure, of course. I need to find a way to extract this thing without harming you further. At least physically.” He grabbed a tube of KY gelatin and a roll of ACE bandage. “Drop your drawers. Lie down on the exam table. On your left side. Okay, let’s take a look.” She put on latex gloves, grabbed her exam flashlight, and looked at the furry rear that stared back at her like a fat-cheeked rodent sticking out its tongue. “I see the end of the thing’s tube sticking out. It’s pink. Didn’t you have a blue one?” He snickered.

“Come on Doc. Enough is enough. Can you get this damn thing out of me or am I going to have to get things like spaghetti out from now on?”

“Calm down, Norm. Actually, it’ll come out easier than it came in. First, I need to put some lube on it. I’m sure this will look familiar, huh?”

Norm rolled his eyes. “Doc!”

“There. I can already feel it moving quite freely.” Bonnette leaned over her patient and whispered, “Do you want me to move this around a bit?”

Norm kicked his right leg back, catching the doctor in the ribs. “Just do it already.”

“It’s okay, it’s okay. I’m sorry. Norm.” Laughing windshield. “I can’t help it. I mean seriously, are you considering the situation at all? Now stand still. I’m going to push the ACE bandage up through the spout and then insert a small balloon. It will inflate in and hold the bandage. So it doesn’t come off. Then I can gently remove her portable handheld bidet from her butt. “

“Are you sure this is going to work?”

“Huh? You’re the one who shoved a SheWee up your ass, and you’re asking me if I can get it out, okay?”

“Am I going to need stitches?”

“The only points you will need are to seal your anus so this does not happen again.”

Dr. Bonnette pulled the artifact out of Norm’s rectum. He held it up in the air, a bright, happy piece of pink plastic stained with KY and feces. “It’s a girl! I’d give you a cigar, but I’m afraid of what you can do with it.”

Norm slowly got to his feet, grabbed a nearby box of tissues, and began to clean himself.

“Hey, Norm. I see your ass needs a cleaning. I have what you need.” He grinned widely as he held the SheWee towards his flushed-faced patient.

“I just want to clean up, get dressed, and get out of here.” Norm pulled up his pants, buckled up, and headed for the door.

When Norm crept out of the exam room, Dr. Bonnette called out to him. “Hey, Norm. So what were you going to call this product of yours? The AssBlaster?”

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