How do I move on when my heart is still stuck?
I sew the titleHow do I keep going?‘because I can’t tell you how many times I’ve personally searched for that title, hoping to find the answer.
- What’EXPECTED‘Of us and how that’fit‘In our lives
Do you know when your emotions and feelings are adamant about staying on the same path, never on a different route? It can be an irritatingly frustrating thing to have to live with.
Expectations:
– School.
– United.
– Jobs.
– Wedding.
– House.
– Kids.
– Mid-life crisis; which can be in the form of cheating, doing outrageous things that are not in line with the person’s normal character, abandoning the old routine/life for a new one, or a host of other things a person could do.
– Withdrawal.
– Coffin purchases.
– Or something like that…
Reality: (mine)
– School.
– Relocation.
– School again.
– Loss.
– Hospital.
– Jobs.
– Slight phase of rebellion.
– Love.
– Heartbreak.
– Humiliating.
– limbo
– Soul searching >?
*sigh* I used to think life would be easier. When he was little he used to close his eyes so tightly wishing he would grow up and be able to do all the ‘ fun things‘just that’big people‘seemed to be allowed to do. I did not know.
I experienced living without my parents from a young age, at which point I also moved countries, experienced mild physical and mental abuse from a guardian (though thank God not in a sexual way), flunked out of school (and all the ‘me’ problems that came with it), dealing with the loss, having temporary physical problems, and having to grow up a little faster than I had anticipated. (although how many of us have had that, huh?)
- the epiphany
Now, despite everything I’ve been through, nothing could have prepared me for falling in love and the intensities that come with it. Maggie, a fellow blogger, posted an article about the different stages of heartbreak. At the end of reading and listening to it all, she was wild-eyed. She just couldn’t stop crying. She touched me to the core.
The song: Youth by Daughter, describes exactly how I feel. And you know what? I HAD NO CLUE I FELT LIKE THIS! It wasn’t until I heard it and hailstorms rained down on my face as I cried my eyes out that I realized something I had hidden so deep inside of me that I actually forgot it was there.
I started writing to help me get off my chest and not keep everything as repressed as I always have and really try to change for the better. So yes, I write and advise both my readers and myself.
Do you know what I realized?
That I’ve been telling myself: Yes, I’m ‘fine’. I may not be perfect but I’m doing fine, I really am. I wake up in the morning, eat, laugh, work and set new goals, etc. That must mean I’m fine, right?
Guess what? Everything is bullshit!
Why?!
Because I’m sharing the surface of what I’m feeling, but not only do I completely repress, I completely ignore how i really feel deep inside my heart.
I locked the very center of my heart and swallowed the key (come to think of it, I actually remember a while ago thinking in my mind that I would lock and lock that part of my heart and never face or unlock it). again. Even I had forgotten about that.)
I know many of the positive compliance steps, books and rules for a better life and really try to enforce them myself. But you know what? I ‘just’ realized why I find them boring and why they all sound the same to me… it’s because they lack the most essential ingredient for anything that can be considered a success. They lack: Heart.
And I am reminded once again why I started my blog in the first place. Hoping I can add a bit of that important ingredient to my daily life and share it with my readers as well. Heart. So many things in life today lack the most important without what it costs us to live as human beings.
I know consciously that I will not get far in life until it really opens my heart. I’m constantly talking about really opening up, but I didn’t even realize I hadn’t been doing it myself, until I heard ‘Youth’ and the reality of how I really feel deep down came crashing down around me!
- Why in spite of everything, I ‘could not’ and ‘did not want’ to divulge my everything
Would you like to know why Have I been unconsciously denying my emotions and how I feel? ‘Cause somewhere inside of me is terrified that I’m gonna be’court‘. Yes’Feelings‘they are involuntary so why are we so afraid’Feel‘to them? Shouldn’t they be part of us since they are out of our control? I doubt I’m the only one on earth who feels this way.
Then yes. In a critical society, I am afraid to show my (acceptable) inner thoughts and feelings.
I’ll give you an example: The other day I was sitting in the living room of a best friend’s house, relaxing. We got up, we went to the kitchen to make some popcorn, then we watched a movie and she says; Jay, why don’t you “expose yourself” and get yourself a man already (something like that).
Now she always reiterated this from time to time and I smiled and shrugged, not wanting to talk about it. Now, every time she said this, on the surface she was trying to act like I didn’t care, while on the inside she was screaming: I WANT even though I don’t know how to do it! A part of me is still very obsessed with the man I love who is gone! Although that is the case, I still want to learn to love again nor do I want to die alone! I want it so much that not a day goes by that I don’t want it!
Would you ever tell him that? Nope.
As we are in the kitchen:
– Her: You still like that boy you loved.
– Me: (automatic reaction) NO! Not really…
– Her: *smile* We’ve been friends for almost five years and you’ve loved him ever since I met you.
– Me: (For now I interpret that; as if she said, seriously! Move already, in other words) *smile* silence (in my mind I am wishing that she knew what was going through my head at the moment)
So that’s the end of that (we’re close enough that she knows not to pressure me about things I don’t want to talk about and am doubly grateful for). That’s what I mean by ‘sentences‘ Y ‘Expectations‘ either intentional or unintentional.
I mean, isn’t that what is expected? Have you already moved? Isn’t that part of the norm? (insert: *list of things) to go ahead and get over someone? And if not, then there is something’wrong‘with you? and if I do them and I still don’t move forward then that’s even worse and now I have’she has unhealthy attachment to people syndrome‘?
Well, what happens when it doesn’t turn out that way? Isn’t it understandable that the person ends up ‘closing’ in one way or another? I don’t know about you, that’s what happened to me.
To be honest here, no one Really wants to hear someone talk about the same thing. After all, who would want to be continually around that kind of negative energy? Not many, which is completely reasonable.
- The ugly truth about how I sometimes’see myself‘
You see, I feel abnormal about how I feel. That my feelings haven’t changed that much about the person I should not‘ still harbors feelings for. (Yes, I know we have a right to feel what we do and I love and adore every piece of advice I get about it. After all, where would we be without reminders?)
It still doesn’t change how I feel. Now, just because I feel this way doesn’t mean I AM what I feel. I’m just sorry. Am’in knowledge‘about how extraordinary we are as people.
losing myLove‘and tell me that’he was not good for me‘ (which is the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ card which actually translates: it’s not me, it’s you!) makes me feel like a complete and utter failure. Every time I hear his name, my heart feels like it’s continually dying again and sometimes I get ragged but consistent boots of dread and sadness, but I force myself to push it away and ride it out. can never recover. A mistake that I knew was a ‘mistake’ at the time. I know that doesn’t have to be the reason he left. The thing is, I really thought I was ‘fine’ until I realized that the truth is…
I feel:
– Rough.
– No/Never good enough.
– Unpleasant.
– Fool.
– Less atractive.
– Unable.
– Unreliable.
– Not wanted.
– Refused.
– Not exist.
– An important.
– Unnecessary.
– And as if my ‘Love’ wasn’t enough or worth it.
I was able to be replaced without even looking back and I don’t know if he ever loved me. Or if he will even remember my existence. Sometimes I’m surprised that she even remembers my name. After all, I was easy to write off. I know I shouldn’t care, but a part of me, all of me, does.
- Acknowledging is better than suppressing how upset I feel
Feelings can’t be controlled, so I can’t blame him or myself for anything. he did not do it Do anything for me. To do something to someone is literally to physically hit someone, physically forcing them to do something or anything to that effect. Otherwise, despite what we may feel, we are the only ones responsible for what happens inside our bodies, minds, hearts and everything. sometimes it’s justeasier‘have someone for’fault‘.
So how can I blame him for nothing? I wanted to be with his ‘one’ that was never me… and that’s something I live with and hope to get over it one day.
I’m even a little grateful that he left me. It would have been worse if I had continued to love him and be loyal to him when he didn’t feel the same way about me. This is better right?!
I can not shake the shame I feel for all this. eats me I am silently struggling internally with this every day. Unfortunately, denying it doesn’t eradicate its existence, so there you have it.
I think that’s why I don’t like to see lists in ‘how to move on‘ Y ‘heal‘etc… every time I read them it’s like I’ve read them all. Also because they are not for’all the world‘. I prefer’options and ideas‘ instead of a ‘established list‘ for any given thing. Each of us are individually different, which is why I love knowing that there is a separate technique for each of us.
Thank you for reading.
Oh yeah, and about that title: I’m still looking…
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