Loving yourself through the stress of the holidays

“My God, I have so much to do! How am I going to do all this?” one of my clients told me.

“What if you don’t do it all?” I asked.

“People will be mad at me.”

“So you’re stressing yourself out to live up to other people’s expectations of you, instead of loving yourself?”

She looked at me stunned. “Yes, that’s exactly what I’m doing. And that’s what makes my stomach hurt. I’m not at all present with myself, not even thinking about what it’s like to love myself. All good for my husband and my children and my parents and my friends who come for Christmas don’t get mad at me”.

“So you focus outside of yourself trying to meet the expectations of others instead of tuning into what you want and what feels right and loving to you, right? And that makes your inner child feel abandoned?”

“Yes! My inner child is completely shut out and she doesn’t like that at all. And I don’t blame her. I don’t love myself at all. I wonder why I’m doing this.”

“There must be a good reason. When did you start to feel like you had to abandon yourself and focus on meeting the expectations of others?”

“Oh, that’s for sure. My mother always had rigid expectations of me and would get mad at me when I didn’t meet them. She still does this today.”

“So you’re telling your inner child that everyone is like your mother and that you have to live up to all of their expectations so they don’t get mad at you or disappointed in you?”

“Yes, that’s what I tell myself. And I know this isn’t true. Actually, it’s just my mother who gets mad, but she gets mad anyway, even when I think I’m living up to her expectations! Wow! Me! I’ve been doing this forever and it always totally stresses me out! Today I’m going to tune in to what I want instead of what I think other people want.”

“How does it feel?

“Feels great! It feels liberating and exciting! My inner child is excited to be able to do what she wants instead of making me do what I think other people want.”

Take a moment to think about how often you choose based on the real or imagined expectations of others. This is a form of control and is the opposite of loving yourself. This holiday season, and in the coming year, see if you can shift your intent from gaining approval from others and avoiding their disapproval, to loving yourself by tuning in to how you feel and what you want.

It takes courage to love yourself instead of trying to live up to the expectations of others, but the rewards are great. There is no joy or freedom in trying to meet the expectations of others.

This year, give yourself the gift of becoming proud and relentlessly dedicated to loving yourself. You may be very surprised at what happens. In my experience, when I focus on what is my highest good, I am also supporting the highest good of all. You may find that when you genuinely listen to your own feelings, wants, and needs, and take loving action on your own behalf, others tend to be truly appreciative rather than upset. Many people may feel the people-pleasing energy and feel controlled by it, and may even oppose you. But there is nothing to resist when you truly love yourself and share your love with others.