My husband says there is no hope for us or our marriage

I often hear from wives whose husbands tell them that there is no longer any hope for marriage. I recently heard of a woman who had been doing everything she could to save her marriage. They had been in therapy. They had taken trips. They had “worked” on the marriage. And while the wife felt that she had seen some improvement, the husband did not feel the same way. Basically, he had told the wife that he felt there was “no hope” for the marriage. He told her that he would soon seek a divorce and felt that they should go their separate ways.

The wife was having a hard time accepting that there was no hope for them. She felt very strongly that if her husband were open-minded and gave marriage a chance, there was certainly hope. But, she couldn’t seem to convince him of this and wasn’t sure what to do. I will discuss more about this matter in the next article.

Your husband cannot take away your hope without your permission: Obviously, the two spouses had a different vision of marriage and the future. This happens sometimes. But one person’s perceptions don’t always have to be the same as the other’s. And sometimes people’s perceptions are wrong and can change over time, especially if you manage to show them something that makes them change their mind.

That is not to say that the husband was not firm in his beliefs. But the two obviously had a different perception. And the wife didn’t need to give up hers just because hers was different. I have seen many marriages on the brink of disaster obviously change, even when both people had apparently lost hope. So just being hopeless doesn’t always mean you have to give up on yours. This is really your choice because your perceptions are based on your own feelings and decisions, not his.

Don’t worry so much about defining or quantifying the relationship all the time. Just focus on making improvements and seeing where it leads: People often use their partner’s descriptions as a kind of indicator of how things are going to turn out. Many people will hear the words “hopeless” and will immediately shut down or consider giving up. And sometimes this makes sense if you keep trying the same things that don’t work and then cause you pain. There is nothing wrong with making the best decision for you or changing course.

But sometimes you can get so caught up in definitions that it allows you to lose sight of what you want or prevent you from making improvements. I often tell myself not to dwell so much on what people say every day or on “checking” how they feel at every moment. Things can and do change. There is no point waiting for every word before something has finally happened.

Sometimes you’ll be much better off just focusing on small goals that give you a little personal hope. In other words, if you are just trying to improve the give and take between you or see even some small improvements in the way you interact and feel, this often feels much more doable than trying to change your mind or save your marriage. . evening.

You can’t really know what tomorrow will bring. But, even small steps can really provide the foundation for much bigger gains in the days, weeks, and months to come. Sometimes slow and steady really wins the race. When it’s not completely obvious what you’re trying to do, you often run into much less resistance, which can really make a difference.

It is not always hope that saves marriages. It is a gradual action that leads to new perceptions: As counterintuitive as it may seem right now, you don’t always have to believe 100% that everything will work out. Sometimes you can take small steps and feel your way as you go, moving towards the places where you are seeing improvement and away from the places where you encounter roadblocks.

And it’s not uncommon for husbands to start reacting when shown (rather than told) that things can change without an excruciating amount of work or sacrifice on their part. The key really is to start making small improvements that are sustainable but substantial enough to change the outcome. You probably know your marriage well enough to know where these efforts and changes are most needed.

So while it would probably feel a lot better to you if you knew that he was as hopeful as he was, your perceptions need not become yours. This husband had not yet filed for divorce. There may still be time. So if you know in your heart that there are still some actions that you still need to take, there is nothing to say that you cannot control your own actions and try new things. This may and may not work, but at least you will know that you did everything you could and that you did not get carried away by someone else’s perceptions that were not your own.

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