Paradox: An Important Tool To Handle Your Opposing Child

A frustrated mother wrote on my Advanced Parenting blog with this request for help: “When my child is defiant and I tell him to sit down to rest until he is ready, he will simply refuse to do so. Do then?” Challenge over challenge.

Oppositional behavior and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), which this child appears to be suffering from, often go hand in hand. I want to see a technique to try with opposing children. It is simple and fun. It is a PARADOX. Paradox has been very helpful with our son, which is why I give him a high recommendation.

Dr. Don Williams, an eminent therapist in Palo Alto, California, refers to the paradox as “the duct tape of parenting skills.” Paradox allows us to tell our opposing child to do what we really don’t want him to do. This makes our child’s brain spin. Here’s how it might look in that opposite brain: “Let’s see. If I do what Mom just told me to do, she will get away with it and I’ll do what I really want to do, and if you don’t, then I’ll be in control. and I’ll get away with it, but actually I’ll do what mommy really wants. “

In other words, if your child does what you just told him to do (what he really wants to do), he is doing what you told him to do. That, of course, is compliance, the last thing the opposing child wants. When they do, you can praise them dynamically: “Good job doing what I said.”

Now when your child refuses to obey and does the opposite of what you tell him, then he is doing what you really want. Opposition is all about control, so your child can feel in control while you get the behavior you really want.

Confused enough? Okay, let’s look at our frustrated mom’s question and see what kind of answer we can find. Clearly, Sweetums wants to be in control, so he refuses to sit down. Our frustrated mom might try something like this: “Honey, I’d like to see you burn off some energy, so please run around the house a couple of times.” However, “I want you to follow me to surprise you with hugs!” Or anything else that might be appropriate under the circumstances.

If the opposing child decides to be consistent and opposing and sits in his place, he may feel like he is in control. And our frustrated mom got what she really wanted all the time, she’s a little less frustrated and her stress levels drop, all for the better.

If the opposing child decided to do what our parents instructed, Mom will praise the child’s compliance: “Good job doing what I told you to do!” And then mom comes to give hugs.

The most important part of the paradox: it is how you say it as much as what you say. You MUST be playful and funny when giving paradoxical direction. Sarcasm won’t work. I repeat. Sarcasm won’t work.

Warning: neither technique works all the time. So be prepared for the paradox not to work, no matter how clever the paradox is and how playful you are in giving the paradoxical direction. At that point, you breathe to calm your growing frustration and anger and stay in the front of your brain to think of something else to do.

And you? Have you used paradox with your novice opponent? What were the circumstances and how did it work? Please email me and let me know.