Warning signs for men to avoid the hell of the longest baskets
Posted On July 21, 2021
The country is currently facing many problems; crime, global warming, terrorism threats, etc. But a new theme has been slowly making its way into the lives of married men across the country. The Longaberger basket is outpacing men’s households and financial well-being at a rapid rate. I have experienced this tumor-like growth in my own home and want to offer insight into what can and will happen when you lose your home to the wicker witches.
The problem is conceived in a basket party. This occurs when a friend of your wife invites you to a Longaberger Basket party. Oh it seems harmless enough, some food, a box of wine, and an overly excited hostess demonstrating the use of wooden baskets. But the uses of these different baskets are similar to duct tape, there are hundreds of them. There are prescription baskets, magazines, car keys, loose change, dentures, hubcaps, prosthetic arms and legs. They even have a basket that is a purse. The women open their basket to get money to buy more baskets. It never ends.
As the wine flows, so does the ink on the order forms. The women get excited about what they have seen and all the uses they have discovered for the baskets and they begin to choose everything in the catalog. Credit card numbers and order forms are collected by the basket thief. Get it (barks) er. Of course, what is a ladies’ party without gossip? Gossip is so prevalent that Longaberger considered designing a maple wood fence that partygoers could stand up and talk … like neighbors.
About two weeks after the party, the hostess shows up at your door with boxes in tow. Within these are the spoils of his wife’s one-night stand with Lady Longaberger. When you start to remove the baskets, you notice something. These things are three-layered. First you have the basket itself. Then there is a decorative fabric lining followed by a plastic cover to protect the lining. When all is said and done, it looks more or less like your grandmother’s couch. But you have another problem. The seeds have been planted and germinate quickly. Like creeping ivy, your rooms and hallways will soon be covered in woven wood.
First, his wife is now forced to throw her own Longaberger party. This has a double effect. Not only will you order more baskets, but you will earn points for free baskets. This is your reward for hosting the party.
Second, each friend at the party will eventually host one. His wife will attend and order more baskets. At that point, you know the UPS driver by name and help him unload the truck when he gets home. After each time the driver leaves, you look around your living room and start feeling like Captain Kirk in the Star Trek episode Trouble with Tribbles.
Third, as more baskets arrive, the more things your wife will look for to put in them. Recipes, pens, books, pets, and bills go to the designated basket. The reed of the growing wicker wonderland smells like cedar chips. You may feel the urge to eat sunflower seeds and run on a giant hamster wheel. But just when you feel like you’ve lost your mind, something brings you back to reality.
You walk into your living room and you see something that, as a man, you know is morally wrong. There, in a Longaberger basket, is the remote control for your television. You stare and let a tear roll down your cheek like the American Indian in the littering ad. Your wife has crossed the line and you begin to have visions of a giant wicker bonfire. Gently remove the remote control as carefully as you would a newborn bird. You put the remote control where it rightfully belongs … on the waistband of your underwear. Maybe if Longaberger made a basket with the Fruit of the Loom elastic around it, we could think about using it; Until then, the remote control stays with us.
The bonfire thoughts fade and instead you grab the basket and your Big Bertha Driver and head outside. Putting the wicker on a tee, you move the big dog and walk away happily. Wicker threads and shards explode like a balsa wood shuttle on a bad reentry. You just won a little battle.
I can’t say I’ve found an answer to this obsessive and financially terrifying behavior, but as a person living in a wicker world, all I can do is offer warning signs. Help your spouse say no because a world without baskets is a world without lattice barriers.