Four Tips for Managing a Lying Child

As parents, we all aspire to raise our children to the best of our ability. We teach them our values ​​and morals – don’t lie, don’t steal, don’t cheat – and we teach them to be loving, kind and respectful to their elders. We teach them generosity, we teach them compassion, and we take pride in them when they exhibit the values ​​we’ve taught them.

When children do something that goes against what we have taught them, we feel confused and disappointed. Let’s take a look at lying. The first time our child lies to us, it is a shock to our system. Where did they learn to lie? Is this a sign of a chronic or deeper problem? Probably not… but it certainly takes our breath away from our vision of our perfect son.

Let’s face it, lying in children is normal. Going to bed on a child between the ages of 3 and 5 is often part of the embellishment they add to stories: “I saw Santa come in the window last night” or “You promised I could stay up late!” Whether fact or fiction, our reaction to these stories helps our children learn the difference between lying and telling the truth.

Older children often lie to cover their tracks or avoid doing chores or getting away from a situation they would rather not be involved in. “I didn’t throw my clothes under the bed” or “I can’t mow the lawn, I don’t feel well.” Again, lies provide teaching opportunities when we gently remind our children that their behavior is not acceptable and discuss their discomfort around the situation that prompted the lie.

However, sometimes lying can be an indication of a deeper issue or behavioral issue. A child who normally lies may be crying out for help. Questions to ask yourself when lying goes beyond normal white lies and becomes a regular occurrence: Is my child lying to get attention? Or feeling trapped in situations that are uncomfortable (such as difficulty with schoolwork)? Or is my son just lying without regard for the result he will have on others?

Meet the deer family:

Sammy is 7 years old. He lives with his mom, dad, and a 4-month-old sister. Recently, Sammy got caught up in situations at school where he clearly wasn’t telling the truth. His teachers have been working with him to understand how lies affect him and the other children in his class. They have also noticed a decrease in the quality of their homework and their completion rate.

Mom and Dad have had several meetings with the school and shared that Sammy has also been increasingly distant at home. He needs a lot more support to commit to the family. They have talked to Sammy on several occasions and each time he assures them that he will do better next time, but the behavior does not change.

Mom and Dad, as well as the teachers at school, have tried to help Sammy understand the impact of his lies. Despite these interventions, Sammy continues to lie.

As the school year progresses, Sammy’s schoolwork deteriorates, as does his involvement and interaction with his family at home. Sammy got into the habit of throwing homework in the trash before he got home. Once the behavior was discovered, Sammy’s parents and the school teamed up to solve the problem. They began by assessing Sammy’s strengths and learning needs. The tests uncovered several areas where Sammy needed more support. Although he excelled in math and spoke at a level above his age, he struggled with his reading assignments.

Together, Sammy’s parents and teachers designed a program to help him build on his strengths and support his learning. Within weeks, his negative behavior ceased. Sammy no longer felt the need to lie or throw homework away from him because he now enjoyed learning and felt successful.

When your child is lying, try the following:

1) Communicate: Make your child clearly understand the difference between fantasy and reality. Also reinforce the difference between telling a lie and telling the truth.

2) Connect: Have your child connect the behavior with the impact a lie has on others and themselves.

3) Collaborate: with your child to discuss other options for handling uncomfortable situations without resorting to lying.

4) Be consistent: Remember, children model the behavior they see, so consistency in adult behavior will shape your child.