Households and Divorce – Children and Two Households

Going through a divorce requires a lot of adjustments. One of the biggest adjustments for children is having two homes. In my 30-year career as a psychologist and my new career as a real estate associate, I have found the following suggestions to be very effective.

Location is important when buying a new home or, in some cases, two new homes. If possible, the ideal is to have the two houses close to each other. Although this can be difficult for parents, it is very important for children. If they can walk between the houses, that’s even better. If this doesn’t work, the next best thing is a short trip between houses. If the houses can be in the same community, especially in the same area designated for the school, this can work very well. One of the things that children can lose in divorce is the ability to share their daily lives with both parents. When kids talk about the playground, friends’ houses, the convenience store, they both want parents to know exactly what they mean. This keeps the connection with both parents strong and builds security.

Decide which toys, clothing, sports equipment, video game systems, etc. go with what house is complicated. Sometimes the space available or the layout of the house can determine what goes where. Parents need to be honest with each other about what is reasonable for each household. Do not refuse to have certain things, just because you do not like the activity. Think about the importance of the item or activity to your children. Kids like labels, so one house might be designated the “hockey net” house and the other the “craft” house. Children love structure, especially in times of change. Separating belongings into categories can help, such as “stay,” “in both houses,” or “move anytime between houses.” Solicit the children’s opinion and accommodate when possible. If it cannot be accommodated, try to find an alternative solution. When children see their parents stressed and upset, they don’t always speak up, so it’s important for parents to ask what they think.

Conditioning the child’s room, as a place of belonging in both homes, is very important. Even if you have to share a room in a house, work hard to make that space uniquely yours. Once again, having things that are part of the child’s daily life in both homes is crucial. Hanging their art, posters they like, or having stuffed animals or other things they are attached to are all good ideas. Never have a child placed in the “free room.” This makes the children feel unwanted and detached from that parent. The toiletries they use and like should be in both houses. This really establishes that they live there.

Have your children invite their friends to both houses. Make visits fun and very kid-friendly. Good snacks are the best incentive for children to return. If there is a pet in the family, and the pet can move in with the children, great. If this doesn’t work, try having a pet in both houses. Even the fish count! Never argue about what goes with which house, within earshot of children. The frustration of lugging things from one house to another is not for children’s ears. If it really is a big problem, approach it like any other problem: one that can be solved. Children can easily feel like a burden in the divorce process, so don’t let the location of your belongings add to this pressure.

Above all, make the new house a home. Transfer as many positives from the old house as you can. If there were certain furniture arrangements that the children loved, do so in the new home. Maintain routines around activities at home and create a new special routine activity to suit the new environment. Emphasize the positive aspects of the new place. When the family home is sold and two new homes are purchased, the children must say “Goodbye” to the original home. Check out my article “Helping Kids Move” for helpful tips. Remember, when you are positive, your children will follow!