How to avoid shootdowns, lengthy discussions, and even minor disputes

“They say marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.” ~Clint Eastwood

1) Harness the power of your chemistry. Passionate couples who have great chemistry have to learn to manage their passion. Having intense chemistry comes at a price. These couples generally have no problems with their love life, but if they were to have an argument, it could get ugly. These couples can have a fierce redneck side with lots of name-calling and raised voices. The good news is that these couples can learn to control their emotions and still enjoy the power of their relationship.

2) The Challenge of Common Beliefs. It is an accepted truth that all couples argue. No one seems to even question this. I agree that all couples have had arguments but I don’t think all couples have to argue. I think we become what we believe in, so if you think all couples argue, you’re setting yourself up to have arguments. I suggest you challenge that particular common belief and start saying that you and your partner never argue. Start thinking about how you would prefer your relationship to be. This can put you on a better path, one without tension or hurt feelings.

3) Minimize contributing factors. The chances of having an argument increase significantly if you are tired. They double if you’re hungry and haven’t eaten all day. The odds increase if you had a bad day at work or a rough day with the kids. And the sky’s the limit if your husband is stressed about money or his wife has three-headed PMS. On days like these, I would stop and kick. Don’t try to tackle any major issues.

4) Don’t keep poking the bear. If your partner is upset, don’t keep asking “what’s wrong?” Sometimes people just need a little time and space. You’re probably just asking out of genuine concern, but if your partner prefers not to talk when told to; leave them alone.

5) Better wait until tomorrow. I agree that you shouldn’t go to bed angry, but you can’t always work out your differences by bedtime. At times like this; call a trick; remind your partner that you love her and go to sleep. You know from experience that things usually look better in the morning.

6) Allow your partner room for mistakes. At the height of an argument, you may not feel the love, but deep down you know you love your partner. Your partner has probably supported you through many mistakes, so allow them to make a mistake from time to time.

7) Don’t be easily offended. It’s amazing how couples can become such sensitive cry babies. Everything can hurt their feelings if they are not careful. The scripture of I Corinthians in the Holy Bible says that love is patient, love is kind, and love is not easily angered. You will struggle in your relationship if you are too skinny (but not too thick either).

8) Don’t underestimate the power of an apology. Saying “I’m sorry” can quickly diffuse most tense situations, but it must be sincere and sincere. Do not abuse apologies to the point that your partner responds by saying that you always apologize but nothing changes. Also don’t be so stubborn that you never apologize. Many proud people see saying “sorry” as a form of weakness. Be careful if you think this way, because it can really cost you. Or maybe you can learn to say “I’m sorry” in your next marriage.

9) Consider getting some therapy. If your relationship has become too adversarial and you can’t seem to break the cycle; then look at the counseling option. A good therapist can teach you the tools to stop destructive patterns.

10) Look in the mirror. If you focus on how your partner is to blame; you will never fix the problems in your relationship. The secret to real breakthrough is taking the time to consider how YOU contribute to conflicts. This may be another good reason to seek therapy. Most of us never see clearly how we shoot ourselves and our relationship without the insight of an outsider.

11) Don’t walk away and don’t threaten divorce. Leaving the house when angry causes feelings of abandonment and can quickly make the situation worse. It’s better to go to another room, to the back porch, or just take a walk. He wants to give his partner a message that “I’m here for better or worse and through thick and thin.”

12) Don’t follow them into the next room. If your partner is trying to calm down; Leave them. Give up your right to call the shots and your need to get your schedule back.

13) It’s okay to keep your mouth shut if you don’t have anything nice to say, but silent treatment can be considered abuse. Don’t let a day go by without at least acknowledging your partner. This can simply say “good morning”, “goodbye and have a nice day” or “good night”. It is cruel to withdraw emotionally from the relationship. You must be bigger than your feelings and at least show common courtesy.

14) Kiss and makeup. I’ve seen couples walk into my office very angry and the whole thing is resolved by simply looking each other in the eye and saying “I love you.”