How to handle guilt when mourning the death of a loved one

Are you sorry because you think you did something wrong or were not adequate to deal with the circumstances surrounding the death of your loved one? Although not everyone in mourning experiences guilt, it is a fairly common experience.

Guilt manifests itself in many ways during grief. There are numerous failures in relationships that result in guilt. Not recognizing the severity of an illness early on, not taking a loved one to the proper emergency room, not feeling bad enough, not intervening in a stronger way when care appears to be inadequate, feeling that one should have visited more often, not doing what the other wanted to do, and the list can go on and on.

Here are several things to consider about guilt and some suggestions for dealing with it. It can reduce its effects and last longer.

1. Never forget: it is almost impossible to love someone and after their death you cannot find something to feel guilty about. We all review our relationship with our loved one, and if we had a chance to do it again, we would quickly change some of the things we did or did not do. Much of this radical response today has to do with the way we have been brought up and conditioned by culture.

2. The most common type of guilt I see in mourners is what has been called illegitimate or neurotic guilt. That is, the feelings of guilt are out of proportion to the cause. Beliefs like “I should have made him quit smoking” or “I wasn’t there when she died like I said I would be” or “Why I was saved and she had to die” are primarily forms of neurotic guilt (as are all of the above in the Introduction ). And most of us are in these kinds of thoughts after a loved one dies.

3. Some people are more likely to feel guilty than others. Sometimes early in life you may have done something that you shouldn’t have done as a child and that has stayed with you to this day. Anything similar to the original act is considered wrong and you should feel guilty about it. If there is something in your past that has been a perpetual source of guilt, turn to a professional counselor for help. It can be seen in a new light.

4. True cause and effect guilt is missing or committing something that you know was wrong. It could be morally, socially or ethically wrong. Rational guilt helps us keep doing the things that make a society stable. Without it, we wouldn’t be able to get along well with others, study, have an honest day’s work, or obey the laws. It helps us avoid drifting too far into negative or incorrect decisions. It is the guardian of civilization, which regulates individual and social behavior.

5. Don’t mix shame with guilt. Sometimes mourners feel embarrassed by the way they have responded to a crisis or by the type of death (suicide, alcoholism, etc.). That shame means that you feel like you are a bad person because of your response or because of the nature of the situation. And it is totally false. Guilt usually has to do with your behavior or lack of it, be sure to focus on what you supposedly did or shouldn’t have done, and not on blaming yourself. Your internal dialogue is crucial in this regard. Tell yourself that you did the best you could at the time. Stop talking guilt-ridden language.

6. Evaluate your behavior with this word: deliberate. With most of the guilt that comes from mourning, as others can, he did not deliberately set out to inflict pain or suffering or contribute to the circumstances surrounding the death. Now that you look back in hindsight, it’s easy to say that I should have done this or that. You are not omnipotent: you did not realize all the possible scenarios that could evolve. Nobody can.

7. Imagine that a friend has approached you because of your fault, which is exactly the same as yours. Carefully examine what you would say after hearing all the details. Be thorough. You are the judge and jury and you need to hear your friend speak honestly about his guilt. At this time, be open to hearing about anger, negative feelings toward the deceased, and / or the need to punish yourself, all of which can fuel guilt. Now turn it around and apply your recommendations to yourself and do your best to follow them.

And if you didn’t ask your friend this question, ask it now: “Did you do what you thought should be done at the time?” Of course yes. Then start working to divert your attention when those thoughts of neurotic guilt start to return, focusing on all the good things you did for your loved one. This is the daily task. Try to follow the advice you gave your friend for at least three full days and you will be amazed at the results.

8. Examine the beliefs you have that support your guilt and reevaluate the patterns you live by. Face your guilt by submitting it to a rational test. What beliefs support your guilt thinking? Something you learned from your parents, your church, or New Age thinking? Incorrect teachings can wreak havoc throughout life.

Women, for example, are brought up to believe, unrealistically, that they are responsible for everything. Even the behavior of others. They are especially sensitive to the ravages of feeling false guilt. Do you have unreasonable expectations of yourself? Should you really feel guilty?

9. What if your guilt is rational and true? The key to finding peace is to find a way to repair and ask for forgiveness. It is the only way to freedom. Find a quiet place and talk to the person who died. Tell him how you feel and that you will donate some time and / or treasure to repair or complete a project. The deceased already knows that you tried to do your best. If your guilt involves a living family member or friend, apologize again, ask for forgiveness, and offer some form of redress. Then strive to forgive yourself as you leave it behind.

Outside of the grieving process, as well as within it, guilt is one of the most pervasive emotions we have to deal with. Much guilt is falsely induced when grieving over questionable beliefs, rules, and the influence of negative and conflicting precepts. Learn all you can about it, intervene early, and remember that it is a normal human emotion and, in most cases, a necessary one.