I am the president of clumsiness

Some of you reading this may think that my situation is not as bad as I project it to be. If that’s your conclusion, let me help convince you otherwise.

In my concentration and devotion to writing this article, I accidentally lifted my mug at the wrong angle and spilled the contents onto my shirt. If you think that’s not terrible enough, I happen to be out in public.

Today, before leaving home to do a few things in the city, I accomplished something that had been on my wish list for a long time. I learned to divide! Sadly, I didn’t learn the way most do.

When I came out of the bathroom, I heard my phone ring. I ran to my room. Suddenly, I was intercepted by a watery substance on the ground. My front leg gave out and soon my back leg gave in to the pressure and gave out too. There you go; the perfect way to divide. After that ordeal, I practically staggered toward a taxi, wincing as I went.

To cut a terrible day short, I went to a restaurant feeling like an 80 year old woman and was definitely treated like one. I got a seat graciously offered by a young man my age and got a lot of cute stars and smiles. A good gentleman asked me if he had any foot ailments, another lady asked me if she needed help to move. I respectfully declined.

I won’t tell you about my experiences over the years, but I will tell you that not a day goes by without something interesting happening.

Lots of people say they have interesting lives, probably not as interesting as mine.

My experience in the field could easily make me the president of CLUMSINESS. I’ve gone to such lengths to embarrass myself. It won’t hurt to tell you another story.

Yesterday I was at a gathering with family, friends and other guests. I secretly hoped that everything would work out. After all, my parents invited some very distinguished people. Everything was going well until the peak of the night. My mother was telling some very interesting stories that gave people the ‘oos’ and ‘ahs’. My mom pointed at dad, giving him the eye that meant ‘Tell us some stories now.’

To my dismay, but thanks to the appreciation of his listeners, my father began to tell me a story from my childhood. (I won’t repeat it)

In my haste to get away from all the laughter, I excused myself and headed for the kitchen. Instantly, I gave the audience a live example of my many accidents. I didn’t notice an object on the ground and fell on my head. All the chatter stopped and I quickly scrambled to my feet. Running out of the scene, I swerved and headed to my room. As I was walking up the stairs, one of the guests stopped me and told me to take my dress down.

Now he finally knew why he felt cool air in the back. (sobs)

And just think, my dress was up the whole time…

That’s enough now. I’ve finally given you a lot to laugh about. I’ll close my computer now, I need to go back to seclusion to lick my wounds.