Information Stupor Highway

When my friend Kate, who, for the record, is lovely and more than I deserve, signed me up for this site, I was genuinely pleased with myself. I felt big and smart because I had a little corner of the web to call my own, albeit tenuously. However, as so often happens, a thought has come and spoiled my little idyll.

I bought some blue hair dye the other day to go undercover with a bunch of old fascist ladies hell-bent on world domination.

Well that’s not true. To be honest, I once saw a cricketer with bright blue hair, and as much as I hate cricket, I thought he looked cool.

So I finally got around to it and realized something. This hair dye company has a website.

If you’re like me, you have to wonder why. To save you the trouble, I took a look.

Well let me tell you that viewing the site did not answer the question. I will give you a brief summary of what is on this site: A list of the different colors available. Some white silhouettes in the shape of a person and hair of said colors. Nothing more.

And, in this way, I have come to a conclusion. There are too many websites.

I have no objection to a wide range of information sources being available, but I feel I should draw a line on things like the hair dye debacle. In fact, I’m going to go further and suggest something radical:

There is too much porn on the internet.

I know, I know, this may sound harsh, but hear me out. The other day, she was looking for a file sharing program to see if she could find any interesting live music videos. I wrote “Clapton” and I swear to God one of the results was “Horny Teenage Lesbians Part 2.”

Now let’s be frank. If you’ve read this column before and you’re not my editor/therapist/other personality, you clearly have too much free time. Don’t feel bad, empathic, it’s me who writes this nonsense. However, take a moment of your ample time and try to find any link, any link, between a sixty-year-old English guitarist and horny teenage lesbians. Answers, if you would be so kind, to the usual address.

Also, while we’re on this topic, let’s stop kidding around and get straight to the point: no matter how many times porn sites include the word “free”, it really isn’t, and I, for one, am sick of this one.

Sure, sure, there are guys out there who know real women. Guys who have interesting lives and who aren’t surprisingly pale and blue-haired. Guys who, if asked to engage in a vigorous gymnastics match in the bedroom, wouldn’t be horrified to find themselves sterilized by 18 hours a day of computer radiation. (Sorry guys, but we are. Go ahead and check, I’ll wait.)

For the rest of us, a group that I unfortunately must include myself in, there is often no choice but to tackle the problem alone. Is it too much to ask that some kind and lecherous old benefactor would take pity and distribute free, high-quality porn to all of us? Maybe I will. There may be fantastic porn just waiting to be discovered, and there never will be, because there are as many less expensive sites clogging up the web as shaved pubic hair down a drain.

Alright, the analogy was a bit of a stretch, but you get my point.

I’m not saying I have the answers. I don’t know how we would implement a purge of the entire Internet that leaves only the exciting and useful, but I still say I’ve had worse ideas.

By the way, “Horny Teenage Lesbians Part 2” is not a big deal. But there’s a good “Wonderful Tonight” video going around…