My Top Recommendations for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse

Four recommendations to cure child abuse

Tip One: Be thankful that you survived and travel back in time to see what kind of abilities your inner self came up with. These will look different for each child, but there are some similarities. For me, I’m grateful that Tony came into my life at the age of three. He was an adorable blue bunny delivered in an Easter basket. I couldn’t sleep or eat without it. When Mom was having one of his “bad days”, Tony decided where we should hide. Grandma made me a tutu because she wanted to be a ballerina. Of course, Tony and I danced all over the house.

I’m pretty sure now that between my grandmother, Tony, and my grandfather, I emotionally survived childhood. My grandmother wondered why she had called him Tony. I simply replied that she had introduced herself as Tony and that she couldn’t change that fact. Tony was very insightful. There wasn’t a question Tony couldn’t answer. I felt so safe and comfortable in every way. One time, Tony was left behind in a hotel room and I was beside myself until he was mailed to our home address. In fact, it seemed that only Tony could reconcile the world with me, explain the adults, and truly bring me to a place of peace and love. When I looked into his eyes, they were full of understanding and compassion. When I was hospitalized at the age of four, well, Tony was by my side the whole time. Finally, as an adult, I parted ways with Tony. When I found him in a box, he was very small, ragged and gray. Where did Tony’s soul come from? Where did he go? I have always wondered. Many children have imaginary friends like Tony.

When it comes to childhood trauma, it is a necessary creation in a child’s life. The ability to pretend and use our imagination is also very healthy for adults. Now that I am a writer, I would be lost without being able to imagine my characters and their reactions. These survival skills will uniquely qualify you as an adult. The survivor of childhood trauma has a natural empathy. They do it in jobs that require this kind of knowledge.

A child’s creative world shields him from some harsh realities. As an adult, you must travel back in time to heal those childhood wounds. If you don’t heal that inner child, your current relationships will be affected. My second recommendation is: I recommend seeing a therapist you can connect with and trust. After seeing a therapist, I noticed a pattern of putting some people on a pedestal and then excluding them entirely if they had lied to me. One pattern I noticed was the need for complete honesty and loyalty from my friends and romantic interests. The need was always present at the beginning of a relationship. Now that I’ve healed a bit, and I recognize that it’s a long process for some of us, my focus is less needy. I’m not that five-year-old kid who grabbed his bunny anymore. My third recommendation is: Find your comfort or safety zone.

At this point in my life, I am able to give new friends the space and freedom to be who they are. This is great because by gaining unconditional love for myself, I can extend it to others. None of us is always honest and loyal. We can all fall short in the good friends department. That doesn’t mean you have to give the ax to someone as an acquaintance. Trust is still essential in good friendships. I have become more adept at protecting my boundaries. It is not wise to give a new relationship with the heart and the necessary resources. It’s about finding what you feel comfortable with. In the church you would not donate all your salary. It will fall into the offering plate which is affordable and expendable income for you. Until you understand what is sacred to you and where you can get hurt in a relationship, you are at a disadvantage. Give others the opportunity to show you who they really are, and you can do the same without losing something vital.

Surviving child abuse is about loving yourself as an adult. That’s the most important thing here: finding your authentic self and nurturing yourself. My fourth recommendation is: Discover those things that put a smile on your face. Don’t limit those explorations either. OK, so what if it’s illegal or harmful? There is probably a legal way to do it. For example, going skinny dipping is something I really love. Am I hurting someone? I’d say no, but the law would suggest otherwise, so I found a friend with a pool that’s totally private. Someone would have to go out of their way to spy on me. That person would have to rent a helicopter to fly over the tall trees that surround the property. Another example would be something that hurts you, like too many shots of tequila. The math behind a hangover effect would suggest you didn’t do your body a favour.

This happened to me one day when I decided to treat myself to a hot fudge sundae. About half an hour later she was very sick. Too much sugar is not a good reward for me, but I can share an ice cream sundae with a friend. A few bites won’t put me in a sugar coma for the rest of the day. This discussion about being good to yourself could go on for several pages, and that would be a good thing. For reasons of time, I will not continue, but I encourage the reader to create a list of small indulgences. Find little ways to pat yourself on the back and be good to yourself.

The golden rule in action creates a better life and it would make a lot of sense if we were treated well in childhood. We learn to value ourselves from significant others in childhood. I often felt empty and empty. I had no sense of a true personality or “me”. In my mind I was surviving by pleasing others. Other people defined me. There was also the subliminal message that I shouldn’t be worth much, because if I were important and loved, I wouldn’t be treated so badly. Children internalize the message of abuse. Children will not thrive without love. What helps me now is to find the beautiful qualities in everyone. Certain people put themselves on a pedestal. We are constantly comparing ourselves. Every human heart is precious. Those with a weak self-image will often attract the narcissist of the world. There is such a danger in that. There is a book that I recommend. “The Art of Extreme Self-Care” by Cheryl Richardson. It amazes me that just a little self-feeding can revive the most damaged person. I’d say we bounce back, clean up, and ten times deeper for our years of malnutrition.

The best advice is forgiveness. The abuser did not know what he was doing. It’s likely that they were in so much confusion and pain (probably from their childhood conditions) that they didn’t see you as a precious human heart and a real person. This is what we call the cycle of abuse in social work. Someone has to end that cycle. You may never forget it, or you may have conveniently forgotten it, stuffed it into your head, but it is very healthy to forgive. I can guarantee that the pain that person felt, which led them to abuse you, was very intense. That doesn’t make it right or excusable, but we are all subject to harm. Some of us more than others. If we were all operating from a sane and conscious place, this would never happen. We understood that we are all connected. If we are all invisibly connected, then the idea of ​​treating others as you would like to be treated makes a lot of sense. My mother was very afraid of her father. During the height of her alcoholism there were threats, anger and violence. Mom never fully dealt with this dysfunction. She married young and had children. My grandfather got sober later in life and he was a loving and kind grandfather to me. Some things come full circle. I love each of them very much. I didn’t understand when I was young. I internalized much of this behavior. I felt that there must be something very wrong with me, for someone I love very much to be hurting me. It takes many years to see all this with an adult mind and fully forgive all players. Underneath this lump of coal is some pure gold. That is my point of view now.

In conclusion, I would like to recap this healing discussion. First acknowledge that you probably had a childhood crutch, like my stuffed rabbit, that helped you cope. It’s good to remember how strong you really were and evaluate those strategies you once used. Second, choosing a therapist is a good one sometimes, if you can connect and open up to that person. Third, explore your safety zone. Know where your personal boundaries are and what really matters to you before you overextend yourself to others. Fourth, find the things that make you happy and explore them. It is vital that you accept and take care of yourself because in your childhood that kind of love and warmth might have been lacking. Finally, don’t forget to practice “Extreme Personal Care”. There is a book with that title that is very good The Art of Extreme Self Care by Chery Richardson. Finally and most importantly, forgive everyone. That will be the most healing act you have ever done for yourself. Forgive and look to the future in search of happy moments.