Painful Lessons from a Father: A Confession

It seems you are making the right decision. The road you’re on seems less scary. The difficulty is certain to go the other way. We know that this election is the best. There are so many ways to justify this decision. In your opinion, it is the right thing for your child. Only you had the foresight to see the danger in your decision.

I write these words from experience. There was a time when I stood at the same crossroads. My options were identical: stay or go. Being young and immature, my rationalization led me to leave. His mother didn’t have the luxury of choosing. Although I justified it in my own mind, there is no reason to abandon a child. Succumbing to fear will never lead to a healthy conclusion. It is the height of selfish behavior.

All around me I see men making the same choice. It saddens me deeply, because I know the results of your election. Today I have the intuition that I lacked so many years ago. Hindsight is indeed 20/20. If I had to do it all over again, I would choose the other way. The one I selected turned out to be the most difficult. He is wrought with pain and frustration. Once you walk out that door, it’s extremely treacherous to go back in. We can compensate a lot in life; time is not one of those things.

I see so many who think they are doing the right thing by leaving. The most common argument is that I can’t make enough money here. Another is about not being able to get along with the mother. Both situations can be true. However, they do not apply to one’s relationship with their child. His son cares little about the money he earns. That kid doesn’t really care about toys either, his or hers. And once you leave home, the relationship with the mother is secondary. What matters is being there for your offspring. That is paramount.

Children are resilient. They adapt to the circumstances around them. Whatever form the family dynamic takes, it will adapt. The question is how well he will be able to adapt. Don’t be surprised if you learn that her decision created a host of other factors that she never imagined. Are you ready to live with the pain of those factors? Since you are likely unaware of the potential dangers of your choice, the chances are slim that you will be prepared for them.

My experience is that you need to give up money. Also, do whatever it takes to get along with the mother. Stop hanging out with your friends and be responsible. Give up alcohol/drugs so you can be a father. This is the most reasonable option you have. If you choose to continue as you are, your road ahead will be much more bumpy.

There was a time when I chose to leave my son’s life. That choice alone took me away from my daughter for the first 5 years. She didn’t even know I existed. During that time, another man entered her life and became her “daddy.” To this day, he is still called that even though he understands my biological connection to her. It is something I live with every day of my life. My choice led me to resign my position as the father of my child.

After gathering enough courage to try to resolve the situation with my daughter, it was already too late. Entering after 5 years is impossible. Although I had the courts approving my revival, I did not have my son’s. His entire world was shaken at the base of him. It’s hard for someone that age to understand what it’s like to sweat. In his mind, I was an interruption of the only world he knew. This instilled a lot of fear that manifested as anger. We are often unaware of how profoundly our decisions can affect our children.

If you think the road back was easy, think again. It was another 5 or 6 years before my daughter tolerated me a bit. As mentioned, I’m not “dad” to her yet. And I never will be. That role was sacrificed for my decision. I also had to accept that I have no hope of having the kind of relationship with her that my father has with my sister. That is reserved for those who think they are in her life even if that child is not biologically hers.

The only hope I have is to be his friend. My job now is to love her in whatever capacity she allows me to. I offer my support without expecting anything in return. I have no right to anything in this relationship. I was that leaving thing. I am a guest in her life and I am relegated to behaving like one. My rights went out the window the day I made that unfortunate decision. The courts may say one thing, but the mind of an abandoned child will say something entirely different. In the end, the only thing that matters is his point of view.

So you have the choice to stay or go. I know how much easier the way to go seems. Do not be fooled. It really is the hardest path to take. This decision will affect the rest of your days. Learn from my experience and make sure you do it right. It doesn’t matter how your relationship with the mother of your child is. The best I hope for is friendly in that department. Money is no substitute for a father’s love, however much it may be. All your current egotistical needs and desires may satisfy you now, but they will leave a big void in you in the future. That, I can guarantee you.

Here there is only one option; that is to stay Be a part of that child’s life. This does not mean that you should stay with the mother. Some people just don’t belong together. Two people who are at each other’s throats fail to create a suitable home for a child. Oftentimes, it’s best for everyone involved to part ways. However, being a part of that child(ren)’s life is always the best option.

I say all this not so much for his sake, but for yours. I can only speak as someone who abandoned my son and the pain is caused in my life. Not something I would wish on another man. Not only do I feel the suffering within me, but it doubles when I consider the pain I inflicted on him. My decision affected someone who was completely innocent in the situation. I can assure you that this is not something you want to live with.

Learn from my mistake. It will save you an incalculable amount of suffering. He is unaware of the catastrophic consequences of his decision to leave. It is easy to do; I was also prey to that. However, hindsight led me to write this for your sake. My bed is made. I accept the lifelong consequences of my horrible decision all those years ago. However, I hope you will choose the opposite path. If this can help a single person avoid this dangerous state, then my experience was not in vain. Give yourself and your child a tremendous gift by choosing to be a part of your life. I can tell you from experience that you will regret not doing it.