strange smoking laws

As more and more states adopt laws that ban smoking in public, crushing the hopes of cigar smokers with the ease of crushing a used cigarette, people everywhere call it “filthy,” refraining from telling lawmakers to kiss his ash. The laws, to the avid cigar smoker, are avidly ridiculous.

But, ridiculous laws are part of worldly culture. From a law in Denver that prohibits people from lending vacuum cleaners to other residences, to a law in Wyoming that prohibits people from taking pictures of rabbits during the month of June, many rules and regulations just don’t make sense. There’s even a law in Champaign, Illinois that makes it illegal for someone to pee in their next door neighbor’s mouth, no doubt ruining the weekend plans of countless Midwesterners.

It was only a matter of time before this legal madness seeped into the tobacco industry. Recently, they have become more obvious, marking our world with a “No Smoking” sign. Not limited to any one state or country, strange smoking laws can be found almost anywhere.

Australia: Australia has a law that prohibits children from buying cigars or cigarettes. This is not particularly unusual as many countries have similar regulations. However, Australia stands out because children, although they cannot buy tobacco, can use it legally. As long as they can get an adult to buy it for them, Australian children can freely smoke a cigarette in front of a police officer, a parent, a teacher or even a kangaroo.

New Orleans, Louisiana: In a city known for guilty pleasures, home to everything from Mardi Gras to extravagant casinos, smoking cigars and cigarettes is somewhat controlled. New Orleans has a law that prohibits anyone participating in a carnival or parade from using tobacco products while doing so. In addition to this, a “No Smoking” sign should be posted on all parade floats, not that the spectators, with a bunch of women nearby trying to get beads, are really paying attention.

Zion, IL.: Just when you think you’ve heard it all regarding the rules, there’s a law in Zion that prohibits owners from giving any of their pets a lit cigarette. While the law specifically names dogs and cats, it surely applies to any type of pet: hamsters, gerbils, and goldfish. None of these pets are allowed to smoke cigarettes, no matter how much they beg and plead.

France: Colonel Mustard, in the Boiler Room, with an ashtray. That’s right, an ashtray. In France, ashtrays are considered deadly weapons. Perhaps this is because people can use ashtrays to hit others, or perhaps it’s because ashtrays have been known to prey on unsuspecting victims, jumping on them in alleyways and blinding them with a cloud of dust. But the most likely reason is simply because it’s France. A nation with a reputation for passivity, some people may think that the citizens of France are threatened with homicide by the cast of the brady group. We hear that Marcia is packing.

New Jersey: While a “Do Not Feed Animals” sign is common in many zoos, New Jersey takes this idea one step further. By passing a law that prohibits people from giving cigarettes or whiskey to animals at the local zoo, the creatures in this captivity are obviously not amused. But, since whiskey is the only liquor specifically mentioned, one wonders if providing animals with a cold beer would be equally frowned upon. If not, maybe the animals could smoke a cigarette from time to time. You know, socially.

South Bend, Indiana: Keeping with the theme of the animal kingdom, in South Bend it is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette. This law dates back to 1924 when a monkey was convicted of the crime of smoking a cigarette and ordered to pay a $25 fine as well as court costs. We’re not sure what happened when the monkey, recently out of a job, couldn’t come up with the money. Perhaps, he was forbidden to participate in none form of evolution.

Newport, Rhode Island: Resting on the east coast, Newport has a law against smoking a pipe after sunset. Any other time is fine, but once the sun goes down, this is one law that the avid tobacco lover cannot put in their pipe and smoke.

Marcelina, Mo.: In this Missouri city, minors can buy rolling papers and tobacco, but they can’t buy lighters. I wish, I wish, there was a way to get matches easily, maybe at a local restaurant or coffee shop. Perhaps in a perfect world, the ability to find matches would appear.

Obviously, this world contains a lot of laws that are founded on as much reason as refusing a million dollars or volunteering to stay on the Titanic. But, the cigar smoker can be sure that it is not just his luxury that is the victim of this madness. These kinds of laws are everywhere, from banning humming to making it illegal to drive in a gown, these kinds of rules put the word “horrible” in the word “legal.” And, they do make one wonder if more laws can be passed, perhaps a rule that replaces every cigar with its superior: a cigar.