The importance of having a strong family dynamic

For the first twelve years of my life I thought that someone else was my father and that he wasn’t around much. Looking back, he probably put two and two together and found out that he wasn’t my father and instead of being cruel and telling me I’m not your father, he quietly faded out of the picture.

The man who really was my father knew it because he was my mother’s old boyfriend and they were still friends. He would come by once in a while and give me money and take me out to eat and try to have a conversation with me I never thought anything of it I told myself this man is really nice.

In 1982, one day in December, I don’t know the exact day, but it was very close to Christmas, I entered the back door of my house, I entered the kitchen and I saw my mother and her ex-boyfriend talking. She said hello to me, she looked at me and smiled and my mom told me to go look in my Christmas stocking, I went into my room and I looked in my stocking, inside was a hundred dollar bill and a Sony walkman. I walked out of my room back to the kitchen, hugged him and said thank you.

He looked me straight in the eye and said, “So when did you know I was your father?” I told him that I still don’t know that he is my father. He took me by the hand and led me to my room. We both stood in front of the mirror and he said: Don’t we look alike? I told him no, he told me to look carefully. My mom came into the room with us and they both sat down next to me and started explaining the details leading up to that day.

After our long conversation, he gave me his number and told me to call him anytime. It took me a while but I finally called. I talked to him from time to time until one day I called and his phone number was offline and I didn’t hear from him for about five months, which really pissed me off. The fillers of her and the abandon washed over me like a quarterback being knocked down.

On Thanksgiving Day 1983, my father stopped by my grandmother’s house with his two daughters and introduced me and the rest of my family who were at my grandmother’s house for dinner. We all sat around the dining room table and after my uncle had blessed the meal, he looked at my mother and said, “Why does Cleo’s youngest daughter look exactly like Sheronda?” My mom said “Cleo is Sheronda’s father” and Cleo said “boy woman sure can keep secrets can’t she?” They all laughed and began to eat, talk and enjoy each other’s company.

As they were leaving, my father apologized for not being in touch for five months and said it would never happen again. The following month, my father and two sisters went to my grandmother’s house for Christmas. He told me to get my coat and took me to her mother’s house. I met his wife, her nine brothers and sisters, and most of her children. I remember feeling like I was on display, everyone commented on how I looked like him and his youngest daughter Nikki and how beautiful I was. It was at that very moment that I felt comfortable and complete.

As the years passed, I was able to form a strong and loving relationship with my father and his side of the family. No, it wasn’t easy, but nothing worthwhile in life is. I reflect these events in my life because I lost my father on December 16, 2009 and this is the second man I have lost that he has dedicated his life to showing me that I am powerful and deserve respect. The first man was my grandfather who was there from my birth until he passed away on February 8, 1998.

What I’m saying is that kids need men and women in their lives that they can count on. Men, you should not have a choice about whether or not you want to be in your children’s lives. Children are a gift from the Creator, not a sweater that you can return because you don’t like it. You should take care of the children you have before you take care of someone else’s children. You shouldn’t decide whether you’re going to be in your children’s lives based on your relationship with your mother.

If you can’t get along as parents of children you have together, a neutral party can be asked to facilitate visits. Remember that this should be your last option because if the kids realize that their parents are not getting along, they can easily use it to their advantage.

Women need to stop making decisions about whether their son can see their father because they are angry with them or because they have been wronged. The only way a man should be denied visitation with his children is if they are a danger to his children, not if they cheated on you.

If a man has children from previous relationships, this is one way to know if he would be a good father if he had a child with him. If you are doing more for your son than he is, this is a big indication that you are not a good father (you should be there to support the man in maintaining relationships with his children, not to do his job as a father). If a man blames everyone for not spending time with his children, what does that say about that man’s willingness to be a good father?

It’s up to us as mothers, ladies, we must stay together to put together a united front, remember that there are three sides to every story, theirs, yours and the truth. In other words, keep your mind open, you’re only hearing half the story and when you’re working on the middle of the story, you’re working on the half of the truth and that never works. So remember to always keep the best interest of the child in mind and everything else will fall into place.