Tips for when you are separated but want to reconcile with your spouse

I often have people tell me that they are living in a state of increased anxiety when they separate from their spouse. They often feel a bit of pain and are assuming the worst, as it feels like their life is in a mess. I fully understand this. The period of time my husband and I parted ways was one of the most painful and terrifying of my life. However, now that I look back, I realize that I could have done a few things that would have made everything so much easier. It probably could have saved me a lot of pain too. So, in the following article, I’ll offer some tips on how to best handle a trial separation so that it runs as smoothly as possible and so that you have the best chance of improving or saving your marriage rather than ending it.

Don’t assume your marriage is over: I can’t tell you how common it is for people to assume that the beginning of a separation means the end of their marriage. Of course, they hope this is not true. But deep down in their hearts, they fear it is.

While this is understandable, it is very important that you do not allow any doubt that it has to cloud your judgment and affect your actions. Yes, I know this is scary. But very often, if you fear a thing so much that you place every thought or action in alignment with it, you almost make the thing you fear more likely.

Not all couples who break up end up getting divorced. Many do not. Some not only save their marriages, but also make their marriages even better. And even better news than this is that your actions, behaviors, and strategies can have an impact on what happens now. It’s not like you don’t have any control over the outcome. You do. So be careful not to give up before you have had a chance to fight. I know firsthand that this is a scary time, but do your best to think positively, knowing that this will give you the best chance of success and make this easier to bear.

Try to agree on the details before someone moves in: I know it can be painful and uncomfortable to talk about how often they will meet or see each other beforehand. But this will almost always be the best decision. One of the biggest conflict issues once the breakup has started is failing to meet expectations. Often one person will assume something while the other assumes another. When expectations or hopes are not met, people hurt themselves or assume the worst. All of this can be avoided if you describe what will happen before someone moves in and before the misunderstandings begin. Try to agree on everything you can so that you both know what to expect.

Describe what you will do to improve the situation. Promise to be proactive instead of reactive: Many people just blindly hope that time and distance will work for them. In other words, they prepare and hope for the best. I am not going to tell you that this is an impossible strategy. Often times, a breakup shows both people that they have taken each other for granted and often miss each other so much that they are motivated to get along much better.

But, the problem with this is that, although the level of motivation increases, sometimes nothing has been done to fix the problems that lead to the separation to begin with. So while that problem may not resurface in the reconciliation phase, it is waiting until your relationship is under stress again. This generates doubts and insecurity that can generate more problems.

In short, if you can promise to solve your problems (and this can happen after the separation is over if this is easier for you), then you will have much more confidence in your marriage. And as a result, you will have a much lower chance of this happening again.

Don’t do things that you later regret. Remember that you are still married: Sometimes when there are many doubts about what will happen to the future of your marriage, it can begin to feel that what you do today is not going to matter anyway. One of the most important things that prevents a reconciliation is when one or both spouses behave during the separation that end up jeopardizing their marriage. People often act in such a way that they would never have considered when they weren’t apart. And, in a sense, this is understandable because you are vulnerable and under a great deal of stress. So it can feel pretty good to vent. Or it may be tempting to go out for a drink with that sympathetic coworker because it would boost your self-esteem at a time when it’s desperately needed.

However, I firmly believe that you must resist these temptations. You are still married and I cannot tell you how often I see marriages ending because one or both spouses started dating each other during the separation. Do not do anything that could jeopardize your marriage and know that your spouse may discover things that you were sure would remain secret.

Know that edifying yourself and behaving with dignity will only help your marriage in the long run: People are often reluctant to be self-employed when separated. Understandably, your entire focus is on your spouse, your marriage, and what’s wrong. But frankly, there is probably never a better time to work on yourself. First of all, you probably have more free time right now. Second, it will often make you feel productive and provide some relief. Third, your husband is likely to find you more attractive. I know it’s easy to sit at home and get discouraged by your situation, but doing so doesn’t bring your husband closer to you. But, if he sees that you make the best of things because you love and respect yourself enough to do it, then he will do the same. Valuing yourself enough to do this makes you seem more valuable to others. And increasing your perceived value can be vital right now.