Why grief feels like a revolving door

I like the experience of grievance and mourning before a revolving door. You know the kind you find in hotels sometimes. It’s easy to miss the mark with those doors. Timing is everything. Everything has to be right for you to get out smoothly and easily. Despite various opportunities presenting themselves, you often seem to be caught up in the momentum out of the door. You keep going round and round. You want to get down but miss and miss the moment to step into the open. The revolving door continues its course. Meanwhile, you’re running around, looking through the glass panels and yelling. You get stuck.

Over the years, I have read many of Alan Wolfelt’s books and articles on torts and losses. For those of you who haven’t heard of him, he is a tort author and educator. Serving as the director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Colorado, his teachings are heart-based, compassionate, insightful, and full of hope.

I have recently been reading “Eight critical questions for mourners…and the answers that will help you heal” In this book, Alan asks eight questions, which make us reflect on the way we grieve. What choices are we making? What steps are we taking to enable us to get out of that revolving door?

I want to share with you just a small fragment of the book. In one passage, he describes The six needs of mourning. In short, Alan’s belief is that healing does not come with the passage of time. Rather, healing is enhanced if he can accept these six needs and actively participate in the work of exploring and grieving his loss.

This does not mean that it is an easy thing to do. What I am going to share is not easy. A stretch is needed at all levels. It’s easy to understand why people often refer to things as grievance work. The experience of profound loss is devastating, and finding your way in the world again is hard work. However, in all things, if you are prepared and committed, healing will come.

The six needs of grief

Accept the reality of death. – While you may know very well in your head what has happened, accepting it in your heart is much more difficult.

Allow yourself to feel the pain of loss – this hurts so much, it’s natural to avoid the pain, suppress it or deny it instead.

Remember the person who died – It is imperative that you remember the past and the memories you have. I would add to that and say that you need to find ways to keep your relationship strong.

Develop a new identity of your own – in loss, your identity, as you knew it is gone. It is time for you to assume new roles or new ways of being and doing.

look for meaning – when someone you love dies, there are so many questions. The hows and the whys. A crisis of faith and spirituality is common.

Let others help you now and always – it is essential that you find support as you grieve your loss. It often comes not from where you might expect, but from new friends and connections who understand.

Today, consider these needs as a barometer for your own healing. I leave you with a quote from the book.

“There comes a time when we must firmly choose the course we will follow, or the relentless drift of events will make the decision.” Hubert V Prochnow