Women’s self-esteem for stress reduction, balance and autonomy

Working with women for decades, I have discovered that self-esteem is the common denominator of many women’s problems. With better self-esteem, women are better able to find balance, manage stress and reclaim their autonomy.

Universally, women are considered inferior to men, and although our culture is changing, most women suffer from low self-esteem, even successful women. Self-esteem affects our relationships with others and our relationship with ourselves. It affects self-care, parenting, boundaries, and communication. Self-esteem determines how we allow others, including our children, to talk to us and how we value and communicate our needs, thoughts, and feelings. It is the foundation of personal integrity, our ability to pursue goals, and is crucial to effective parenting. A mother may praise her child and try to impart self-esteem to her, but if hers is low, it will inevitably show in her behavior, and children learn more by emulation.

Balance is a constant struggle for women. As individuals, as caregivers, and as wage earners and professionals, finding balance between our masculine and feminine sides, between the spiritual and the material, between work and family, and between personal needs and those of our employers, children, parents, and couples, requires of ourselves. -esteem and autonomy, not to mention time, which is always lacking. Instead of acknowledging how much they accomplish, women are often self-critical that they aren’t accomplishing enough at work, as mothers, homemakers, daughters, or in their personal endeavors. They feel guilty when they do not meet their own expectations and those of others. The fact is that there is not enough time and energy to go around, but how we think about it and allocate our resources makes a difference.

Women are used to stress: taking care of children while cooking, cleaning and talking on the phone. Working moms have more stress and it’s more of a challenge for them to make time for themselves. According to the last census, 55 percent of mothers (63 percent of college-educated mothers) with babies work. Of mothers under the age of 45 without children, 72 percent are in the labor force. When I returned home to my children after a stressful day practicing law, I would park my car outside my house to meditate for ten minutes before going inside. This allowed me time to center myself and transition into parenthood. Self-esteem allows women to practice self-care and balance these competing demands, reducing stress and allowing them to be there for loved ones and whatever task is at hand.

Setting limits is vital to reducing stress and finding balance. Women are plagued by the dilemma of feeling guilty when they say “no” or resentful when they don’t. They fear the loss of the relationship or the person’s esteem. Losing a relationship is the biggest stressor for women, just like failure is for men. The ability to feel comfortable setting limits requires self-esteem. When women value themselves, they are better able to claim their autonomy. Autonomy is a feeling of both separateness and wholeness that allows us to feel separate when in a relationship and complete when alone. Many women complain that they do great when they are alone, but as soon as they are in a relationship or in the presence of their partner, they are lost. Some give up their hobbies, friends, careers, and creative pursuits. They have trouble getting from an intimate weekend to the office, or they can’t articulate opinions about things in front of their partner or an authority figure.

Attachment is paramount for women. One of the reasons autonomy is difficult is that girls do not have to separate from their mothers to become women. According to Carol Gilligan, femininity is defined by attachment and female gender identity is threatened by separation. On the other hand, since boys must separate from their mothers and identify with their fathers in order to become men, their gender identity is threatened by intimacy. (In a different voice: psychological theory and the development of women, 1993, p. 7-8).

The opposite of autonomy, codependency, is common among women. Lack of autonomy and self-esteem can cause many symptoms, including stress, addiction, domestic violence and emotional abuse, communication problems, worry and anxiety, depression, guilt, and anger. If left untreated over time, a woman’s health suffers.

I will explore these topics in detail and how they relate to many issues including abuse, self-empowerment, life cycle transitions, health, body image, and sexuality. I appreciate hearing any questions and concerns you may want to address in the coming months.

Copyright 2010 Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT

Get a FREE REPORT: 10 Steps to Disarm Criticism: From Self-Criticism to Self-Esteem at www.darlenelancer.com