10 Little Guerrilla Techniques You Should Know

“Every great romance and every great deal starts with small talk. The key to successful small talk is learning to connect with others, not just communicate with them.” Dr. Bernardo J. Carducci, author of The Pocket Guide to Successful Small Talk: How to Talk to Anyone Anytime, Anywhere About Anything

I recently read about an MBA study 10 years after graduating. Researchers at the Stanford Business School found that grade point averages had no bearing on their success. Surprisingly, a major deciding factor was his ability to converse with others.

The ability to connect in short, informal conversations can make or break careers. Through these interactions we gather information and hopefully make a favorable impression. I confess that I am an introvert in extrovert clothes. I can chat with people I know at meetings like conventions or training sessions, but I find it hard to break the ice with new people. In my discomfort, I can forget about the three golden rules for small talk:

1. Shut up and listen.

2. When in doubt, repeat Rule 1.

3. People, even the shyest ones, like to talk about themselves and will if you know how to get them out. You have to be genuinely interested and let go of your need to talk and take control of the conversation. .

Only then will you make a good impression.

Listening carefully requires great skill and discipline, which is why mere mortals like me fall short. It’s so easy to respond to a casual comment by unknowingly coming back to yourself: “Are you selling office equipment to hospitals? I called General Hospital…”. Your small talk can be helpful, witty, and even relevant, but you’re still talking instead of listening. You never learn anything while you talk, except that you talk too much.

Learning Rule 1 can take a lifetime, especially for certain introverts posing as extroverts. Below are some other tricks that can help you master Rule 1.

1. Watch your body language. People who look awkward make others feel awkward. Act confident even when you’re not, looking people in the eye instead of the ground (my personal challenge). If you feel uncomfortable smiling at strangers, learn the art of the subtle smile, which is to smile with your lips closed. Now you start to seem friendly and approachable. After you feel more comfortable with someone, you can show a little tooth.

2. Be the first to say “Hello.”

3. Introduce yourself by name, even if you think they know it. “I don’t think we know each other. I’m Queen Elizabeth II.” It’s very awkward when someone starts a conversation with “remember me?” and the other person does not.

4. Take your time during introductions. Go the extra mile to remember the names and use them often.

5. Open with simple probes.

Hi, I’m Nicky. What do you think of the party, the conference, the cheese sandwiches?”

or “Hi, I’m Nicki. I sell cemetery land. What do you do for a living?”

or “Hi, I’m Nicki. Isn’t the food delicious?”

They are neutral questions that invite the other person to speak. After asking your question, listen. When you run into a casual acquaintance, ask what they’ve been up to lately. Then listen.

6. Learn some questions that will keep the conversation going. Ask people for their opinions or feedback, with follow-up questions based on their responses.

o Did you see that movie?

or what was it about?

or what did you think?

o What other new movies have you enjoyed?

If you are genuinely interested in your answers, most people will be surprised and flattered. Resist the urge to display your own special brand of brilliance, and when you catch yourself doing so, bring your focus back to the other person. Later, when the relationship has evolved beyond small talk, you can strut your stuff.

7. If you want to join a group engaged in an ongoing conversation, research shows that the best line of entry is to ask a question about the topic under discussion. Don’t switch to a new topic, a tactic that can make the group feel threatened.

8. Focus on the speaker. There’s nothing worse than having a conversation with a person who keeps scanning the room for someone more important. Give your current conversation partner your full real attention by facing him squarely and looking him in the eye.

9. Have some starting lines ready so you can both move on gracefully. For example,

or “I need to talk to that customer over there.”

or “I skipped lunch today, so I need to visit the buffet.”

or “Can I refresh your drink?”

or “Is the bathroom over there? Thanks.”

When should you walk out of a conversation? According to Susan RoAne, an author and speaker known as “Mingling Maven,” your goal in every meeting should be to make a good impression and leave people wanting more. To do that, she advises, “Be bright. Be brief. Go away.”

10. Practice gratitude. If you’re the one being ‘rejected’, say something short and sweet:

or “I enjoyed our talk.”

or “I enjoyed meeting you.”

The key to being a successful chatterbox is simple: you don’t have to be brilliant, but you do have to be nice. Be open to conversation and support the efforts of others who are trying to do the same.

Talk Back: Please write me with your small talk strategies. Anything and everything helps!

The following are some other resources you may want to read:

Do Your Best: Make a Big Impression by Taking Control of How Others See You by Jo-Ellen Dimitrias and Mark Mazzarella.

How to start a conversation and make friends by Don Gabor.

Conversational Speaking: Proven New Ways to Increase Your Personal and Social Effectiveness by Alan Garner.

The Pocket Guide to Successful Small Talk: How to Talk to Anyone Anytime Anywhere About Anything by Bernardo J. Carducci