7 mentalities to make love passionately

Great athletes don’t start their game on the field or court or even in the locker room. No, they begin their training long before they reach the arenas where the action takes place…they start the process in their minds. Most of us are not in the athlete category, but we can all take a lesson from how they use mindset to get results.

We all know how important mindset is when it comes to achieving goals at work or facing difficult personal challenges like quitting smoking or losing weight. But you may be surprised how helpful it is to develop the right mindset when it comes to something seemingly ‘natural’: creating a passionate marriage or relationship. What you think about sex and what you know about yourself and your partner’s particular and unique sexual makeup may be one of the most important thoughts you can do to spice up the bedroom in your relationship!

7 mentalities to make love passionately

1) Recognize the fragile and elusive nature of sexual desire

You may feel a pang of sexual arousal only to find it gone the next moment. And if it is so for you, maybe it is so for your partner. So how do you sync up and make it happen?

Modern life, with its competing demands for home, work, and personal development, leaves little room for things that may require a slow burn. Therefore, do what you can to arrange the time/place/circumstance to give the fragile and elusive nature of desire space to flourish. (That often means scheduling sex…as unromantic as it sounds, the results will make you forget you scheduled the time.)

2) Understand the relationship conditions that promote healthy sexuality

Because sex has so much to do with bodies (no kidding, right?), people assume they don’t need to educate themselves in that regard. Could not be farther from the truth. You’ve probably heard that “the largest sexual organ is between the ears.” It is true that the brain plays a very important role in creating and maintaining a healthy sex life.

Learn about relationship conditions that promote a satisfying sex life (for example, healthy communication between you and your partner that helps build trust and deepen emotional connection; nonjudgmental discussions about your sexual desires and fantasies). The more you learn about what it takes to maintain a strong relationship overall, the more you’ll create the kind of loving, supportive, and intelligent atmosphere that allows sexual intimacy to flourish.

3) Celebrate your differences with your partner instead of trying to squash them

A relationship is a beautiful, elaborate, often complex dance between two very different people. No matter how much you and your spouse/partner have in common, you are unique people. The challenge of a relationship, and of intimacy in particular, is celebrating how different the two of you are, and then incorporating that uniqueness into the union itself. Trying to flatten your differences into a one-dimensional whole will always backfire. Leave the steamroller on the asphalt.

4) Foster an atmosphere of curiosity and acceptance to spice up the bedroom.

Being curious about our world is part of what makes life exciting. (Curiosity may have killed the cat, but notice that satisfaction brought it back!) When we’re curious, we’re open to wonder, surprise, novelty, growth. If you already have a script written about what sex should look like between you and your spouse/partner, you’re missing out on capturing that shiny wonder.

Be curious not only about what your partner might want, but about your own desires as well (don’t assume you know everything you want just because you’ve been ‘okay’ with a certain status quo in the bedroom). And also, accept yourself and your partner. Nothing closes intimacy faster than judgment.

5) Learn how your past may be affecting your sex life?

Our pasts are our pasts, end of story… right? Not always. To deny how our past may have shaped us is to block out information that could benefit our relationships. The attitudes that our families of origin had about sexuality are a contributing factor to our current mindset. This doesn’t mean you should stick to those old scripts if they don’t suit you now, but it does mean you have to acknowledge them (bring them out, so to speak) before you can let them go.

6) Explore, play, discover

When we take ourselves too seriously, we tend to feel overwhelmed or beleaguered. There are certainly aspects of life that need to be treated in a dark way, but sex with your partner shouldn’t be one of them. We often find the greatest joy in life when we can approach things with a playful attitude (it’s no coincidence that people report feelings of joy when looking for a hobby or when they’re on vacation…those are forms of play).

Allow yourself to explore, play and discover when it comes to your intimate relationship. Letting go of an overly serious mindset can open you up to the carefree abandon associated with gambling… an abandon that fosters great heights of enjoyment.

And an added bonus: What you might discover about yourself and your partner in the process can also foster a greater level of emotional closeness.

7) Decide on sex and then put the effort into

Although TV and movies make it seem like great sex happens naturally and organically (magically!), nothing could be further from the truth. Like anything truly important in life, a regular and healthy sex life between committed people requires a decision (again that mindset) and then the necessary effort is applied.

This may sound like work to you, but what it really is is a means of fostering a healthy habit and relationship mindset. If you’re just waiting for the “perfect” time to get physical with your partner, you may be waiting too long. (And studies show that when sex simply doesn’t happen in a relationship where two people need/want it, the absence of sex can hijack even the good aspects of the union.)

Work life and home life are busy and will stay that way. Therefore, it is up to you and your partner to decide that sex is important enough for you to decide for it and honor it with the necessary effort. Couples who have great sex lives have earned that sex life…they didn’t sit around and see if they would be one of the “lucky” ones.

So when it comes to intimacy with your partner, take a page from the book of great athletes and recognize the importance of education, visualization, and strategy off the field. Before you shop for sexy lingerie or book that weekend retreat, develop the right mindset. When it comes to sex, your mindset is key!