Are we spoiling our children too much?

Guilt is the number one culprit in this situation, says American clinical psychologist Diane Ehrensaft. The author of the book Spoiling Childhood: How Well-Intentioned Parents Are Giving Kids Too Much, But Not What They Need, says today’s parents are often caught in a guilt-driven pendulum, swinging between parenting too little and breed too much. According to Ehrensaft, we are giving too much freedom, material goods, and empty praise to our children instead of setting limits and giving guidance, time, and love.

“We’re parents like Tarzan on a string, wildly shifting from never being there enough to being there too much,” says Ehrensaft, of modern parents who are caught up in the juggling act of trying to have ‘everything.’ Parents today are, she says, trapped in the situation of wanting to satisfy their own needs and ambitions while at the same time wanting to give their children more opportunities and materialistic items than they themselves had. “It’s a difficult situation for these middle-class professional parents who have pursued what they wanted (career, money, happiness) sometimes at the expense of their children’s well-being, and yet also act as if the sky is the limit. their children,” says

families who frequent the psychologist’s practice sounds familiar.

Parents who work hard, but help with homework and organize after-school activities for their children five days a week. In these families, children rarely help out around the house and their demands are met with the least amount of resistance. It sounds like a scene from many homes, but where does the line begin to blur between wanting to encourage our children’s growth and raising potentially unsociable bullies?

The word “discipline” may give some parents a rash, but psychologists say it’s a necessary part of the parenting process. Parents in 2005 may want their children to be free-spirited and more spontaneous than previous generations, but that doesn’t mean they don’t need their parents to act like parents. Without firm parameters, authorities say children are forced to scream and whimper, desperately searching for the benchmark from which to grow and develop.

“Worrying that our children won’t like us if we discipline them can prevent some parents from establishing firm structures for the behavior that our children need. We must stop abdicating the throne and accept our position as adults,” says Ehrensaft. “Children don’t do well with kings and queens entrusted to parents. To be good parents, we should definitely give generously of ourselves, but never give ourselves to our children,” she says.

Irish psychologist and founder of Rollercoaster.ie, Dr. Anne O’Connor agrees. “Discipline is a very important part of parenting and is usually learned on the job. If your child learns that when he says he doesn’t mean it, he’s teaching him a valuable life lesson,” she says. .

The Galway-based psychologist says many parents give in to their children’s demands because it’s much easier to give in and buy what they want than to spend time explaining why they won’t buy it or getting angry when they don’t. Get it. However, such actions will have negative repercussions.

“You’re creating a child who will have totally unrealistic expectations of you and the world: they’ll expect to get everything they want. You can be sure their requests will get bigger and more expensive as they realize all the good stuff.” While you can accommodate your child’s wishes, the world just isn’t like that, and your child may be in for a rude awakening when faced with the many situations where they can’t really have what they want,” Dr. O’Connor says. The psychologist says that what children really want is to spend time with their parents, instead of being ‘bought’ with gifts.

“‘Things’ just can’t replace your time. If kids don’t get attention and input from you, among other things, they don’t develop a sense of their worth. They may feel like spending time with them isn’t worth it.” So while you may be showering your little one with gifts, his self-esteem could be declining as his pile of toys grows,” she says.

While parents should begin to say ‘no’ to demands and tantrums, Dr. O’Connor says they should respond with a clear ‘yes’ to children’s request for time.

“Make time for yourself. Parenting is not just about getting through these years – you need to enjoy your child and what better way than to spend time with him. Find out what he likes, give him time to show off his new skills and knowledge. give them praise and encouragement,” he adds.

According to Ehrensafts, the key to change is to take a look at family dynamics and examine how we treat our children. Children, she says, are not miniature adults and should not be expected to grow up before their time. She insists that children need time to play and have free time to be with family and friends, that is, to enjoy childhood and, at the same time, relax knowing that the grown-ups rule.

“Once you make the switch, not only will you have fewer battles with your kids, but you’ll also have more opportunities to truly enjoy being with them, and that’s the most important thing,” says Ehrensafts.