Do you want to be a great father? Make sure your child’s punishment fits the crime

Your son has been pushing his buttons and as hard as he tried, he finally lost his temper. But does the punishment correspond to the crime? Her daughter didn’t really do anything wrong this time, but it was the cumulative effect of all the things she’s been doing. Did you send her to her room, cut TV time, cancel a play date?

When your child does something wrong and you threaten him with punishment, you must follow through. Just make sure the punishment fits the crime. If the consequences don’t make sense, they won’t resonate with the child. When your child is a toddler, he will understand immediate actions. Appropriate punishments might include going to bed half an hour earlier, missing a favorite video, or skipping dessert that night. Telling him that he can’t go to a friend’s birthday party for a week is not a reasonable punishment. It’s too far away and by then you may not even remember why you grounded her in the first place.

For older children, let’s say teenagers, there are many electronic devices that can be removed. But that’s not always the best punishment, especially if your child needs your cell phone to fix wrinkles or let you know he’ll be home late. Also, does that punishment fit the crime?

“Nowadays, the first thing parents want to do is take away a cell phone, computer privileges or Playstation, but if it doesn’t match what the child has done, that’s not appropriate, then it doesn’t make any sense and it’s not good. for learning,” suggests Marlene McDermott, a marriage and family therapist at Serenity Counseling in Palmyra, NJ.

For example, if the child refuses to get out of bed to go to church, the parents need to find a punishment that fits the crime, and that should be more than just taking away the phone. McDermott believes that all privileges should be taken away until the child goes to church. Whether it’s a day or a week, that’s how long they should retain their privileges.

“This is going to sound very harsh, but in my opinion, privileges are anything besides food, clothes, education, love and affection,” says Marlene. She points out that no one is obligated to give their children toys or buy them top-of-the-line shoes or take them out to dinner. Those are all privileges. We’ve moved away from giving our kids what they’ve earned and moved to taking things away from them for the things they’ve done, when all they have is a privilege anyway.

She believes that the child should only be allowed to go to school, his sport or other responsibility, and come home. “Those things are important to live and they are commitments that they have made and must keep,” she adds. It is no longer the father who is bad, but the child who decides how long his consequence will last.

Even cell phones are a privilege, not a necessity, despite security concerns. There are phones at school, at a friend’s house, and anywhere else a child would be if needed. If you lose your cell phone, you have fifteen other friends who have them. They have computers that they can use to talk online. It just doesn’t mean anything and doesn’t become a deterrent.

Consequences should be discussed before an infraction occurs and should be based on age. The older the child, the more severe the punishment. Children need to know what your expectations are, that’s fair to them. For example, for every minute the boy is late than curvew, he is grounded for one day.

For more dangerous behaviors, Marlene believes that parents should choose consequences that educate the child. If the child is drinking, for example, it is not just a grounding that needs to occur, but the child needs to learn about the dangers of drinking. Punishment may include the child visiting or volunteering at a drug and alcohol center, or researching the effects of drinking.

Get creative and think outside the box. Remember, you are the parent and discipline is an important part of your job.