Does your ex want you back or are you refusing to accept reality?

Refusal to accept reality or optimistic denial is so common that sometimes men and women who are trying to get their ex back seem unreasonable in their thoughts and attitudes, even acting as if their ex owes them something.

Even when they understand intellectually that they are separate, they find it very difficult to accept, and even feel confused, that someone who once loved them is now acting like a different person. This causes intense emotional distress:

— “Why are you doing this to me?”
— “So why do you want to talk to me now?”
— “Why did you say you’ve never been happy with anyone else, but then you leave me?”
— “Why do you say you love me but don’t want a relationship?”
— “How could he move on so fast? Did our relationship mean nothing?”

Often denial is simply a case of not wanting to see the real problem…

As they try to cope with overwhelming feelings of rejection, uncertainty, and unpredictability, some people look for distractions or distractions to help them deal with unacceptable reality.

This is what I call the “escapist trap”; a subtle but dangerous game in which the mind creatively rearranges information, distorts situational cues, and misinterprets the meanings of certain messages, all in a clumsy attempt to avoid addressing real issues and avoid personal responsibility. Very often, the mind gets involved in this dangerous game because there is a part of the unacceptable reality that the person does not want to admit (even to himself), so he tries to blame someone else for the unacceptable reality. or something else.

Some examples of “escapist traps” include:

— My ex is damaged and needs therapy;
— My ex has commitment issues/phobia;
— My ex is very stubborn, nothing will work;
— I think he is testing me;
— My plate is full right now;
— Everyone says I’m wasting my time;
— If only X happened, everything would be fine!

These statements function as perceptual filters placed over reality that only allow selective information that blames someone or something for unacceptable reality. Even when empirical evidence suggests otherwise, the person finds ways to repress, minimize, deflect, reinterpret, or explain information that does not filter through her perceptual filters.

Denial gives you the excuse to continue unchanged because facing reality is too painful…

For example, your ex might say:

–“I felt that something was missing”, but what is heard is “I have problems with commitment”;
— “You’re needy, clingy and controlling” but what you hear is “I’m not good enough for a caring person like you”;
— “You’re too good” but what you hear is “I’m addicted to bad boys”;
— “I need space to figure things out on my own” but what you hear is “It’s over!”
— “I don’t know about us” but what you hear is “You’re wasting your time, nothing will work”.

This is perhaps not so surprising given the fact that people who tend to creatively rearrange information, distort situational cues, and misinterpret the meanings of certain messages to create an artificial reality are risk and pain averse in the first place. . They are so consumed with trying to avoid negative consequences and undesirable outcomes, to the point where they may not have even seen the breakup coming because they saw what they wanted to see or heard what they wanted to hear and didn’t want to know. hear or see anything else that would threaten his artificial view of reality. Now that the relationship is over, the entire focus of your energy, effort, and time is another artificial reality.

— “I don’t think she will be happy without me”
— “I think he misses me”
— “I think she wants me to contact her”
— “I think he wants to call me but he’s afraid I won’t answer the phone”
— “It is the other man/woman who controls it”

And it’s not like the person is deliberately lying. It’s just that their reality is distorted as they convince themselves of what is really going on.

An artificial reality makes you work backwards instead of forward…

Instead of taking the necessary steps that will change things, like being less needy or controlling, stop trying too hard to please, become more interesting and exciting, and all the other things that can make you less attractive, you’re obsessed with getting your ex to go. to therapy when you really don’t need it; or you’re trying to help an ex get over a phobia when the reality is that she doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life with you because you lack some of the qualities she looks for in a guy; or you’re not making any contact to try to make your ex miss you, but you just end up creating even more distance between the two of you. What a waste of energy, effort and time!

Escaping from reality coupled with the feeling that you can’t do anything at all puts you in a passive and dependent role: a victim to whom things are done. You find yourself feeling like you lack the emotional and psychological resources necessary to try and win your ex back; spend a lot of time deciding what to do; and constantly trying to maintain a positive and optimistic attitude.

Denial will not prevent reality from being real…

And even if your ex needed therapy or has commitment issues or a phobia, an artificial view of reality creates a poor or very false sense of understanding of the complexity and scale of the problem you are trying to address or manage. Trying to simplify the issue to reduce exposure to threats and risks confuses the mind and makes any attempt to attract an ex that much more difficult.

It is important to understand that escapist cheating or the use of escapist strategies, for the most part, is not a deliberate attempt to distort information or sabotage the chances of attracting an ex back, but rather a reaction to the complexity of the situation. uncertainty and the need to deny personal responsibility. Sometimes people who use escape strategies to try to attract their ex aren’t even aware of their true agendas, but present the issue, often with perfect integrity, as they see it.

Refusal to accept reality or optimistic denial is a trap you must free yourself from…

If you want to be successful in attracting your ex, it is imperative that you get over this denial as soon as possible. Your ex may even want you back, but the escapism strategies you’re using make it hard to attract your ex. And you wonder why nothing works!