Friend or real user?

A good reason to keep friends is to have soul mates around to help, be it mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual. It can be very easy to make friends, at which point they enter the outer circle of our influence. Some of these new friends advance very quickly to an inner circle position; some naturally due to shared experiences and some are forced there. Those types of people who want friendship more than you are the ones to be careful about. They are usually there to drink as much as they can before running off into the sunset.

Discernment when it comes to friends is vital to one’s continued happiness. There must be a fairly fair give-and-take relationship for a healthy friendship, a kind of “I’m there for you and you’re there for me” exchange. If the exchange becomes unbalanced, it is certain that someone will be unhappy and feel that they have been taken advantage of. You know the type – you’re there for them through every rotten relationship they get into, including picking up at the hospital or police station in the middle of the night and then sitting with them all night. You support them through all kinds of deals that went wrong, and you even stand between them and the person trying to harm them. Then one day you experience a problem yourself and call them for help … to be cheerfully informed that it is the middle of the night and that they are too tired to get out of bed and come pick you up. Maybe your car was stolen, leaving you stranded in a strange part of town and you hear:

“Yeah, good luck with that … * yawn * … I’ll talk to you tomorrow … * click *”

If that’s not a sufficient indication that it’s time to find a new friend, worse events are sure to follow. Maybe you help a friend move … several times a year and yet they are never there to help you move. That person may not really be able to handle the physical part of the move, but if they came to help, they could point out where the boxes go, prepare a meal, or run errands. Most people who are handy with something have had such “friends” that they have tried to make their way into their lives. They will eventually show their hand and reveal which users they really are.

The point of discernment is a fine line between ‘eye for eye’; It’s not that someone needs to keep score and make sure it’s perfectly balanced all the time. It’s more of a point of communication and caring, of being honest with each other about what each of you is willing to do in a relationship, be it business or personal. When someone you’ve just met insists on being your best friend right away, it’s a red flag, especially if you’re visibly impressed by your occupation or talents.

Also beware of those who bring complimentary compliments; If it feels slimy, it probably is. If the feeling you get after being complimented too much is “What do you want from me?” So that’s a good indication of what all that was like in the first place. True friends are there for you, both in good times and in difficult times. These types of friends will be honest with you (and with themselves) and, at times, they will be very direct about it. They will also seek to help in other ways if they cannot do what you need. A friend with a physical disability might offer to send a couple of relatives to help you move, or to pay some day laborers for a specified number of hours. An overly tired friend might call a taxi for a stranded friend and pay the bill for the taxi ride to ensure a safe return. The point is that a true friend cares enough to really help out when help is needed, not to talk lip service. A true friend is like a family member that you would have chosen if you had the chance.

© 2010 Dr. Valerie Olmsted All rights reserved