How couples can communicate through sex

Images and stories of women apparently enjoying sex abound in the fictional media. Even a receptive woman, who experiences orgasm through masturbation, doubts the inescapable conclusion of her own experience. But it is much more difficult for women who never experience orgasm. They have nothing to replace fiction with. Most women conclude that these fictional experiences must be true for other undefined women. At the same time, all the ego and bravado leads others to the conclusion that it’s all a hoax. But this private conclusion is never promoted.

There is no reliable source of sexual information. So women never know what they can realistically expect from their sexual experiences. Women themselves rarely compare notes about sex honestly. Most women are too embarrassed to talk about sex. But women also have a natural desire to present themselves as normal, sexually attractive women. Women interpret their experiences in very different ways. Some, especially the young and inexperienced, tend to reflect the male view that sex is wonderful. Others find that it does little for them. But only the positive view is actively promoted.

Sex is of vital importance to men and is therefore non-negotiable. As long as a woman is willing to have sex, a man assumes she is happy, even if her behavior indicates otherwise. Men use silence and a show of affection or just a couple’s routine to initiate sex. They then indicate their displeasure when they are not offered sex through behaviors such as sulking rather than explicit discussion. Men use emotional pressure to get their way.

Many people struggle to be honest about their feelings and motives. We don’t want to admit our vulnerability and need for reassurance. We feel that the only way to protect ourselves and retain some dignity is to remain silent. Silence is one way to avoid conflict, but it becomes even more difficult to talk about sex because of the emotionally charged feelings involved. Men like to take risks, while women prefer to avoid them. Men are more likely to drink alcohol, gamble, seek eroticism, and engage in dangerous activities. Women can open up to others more easily because they have less reason to feel guilty. A man doesn’t want a woman to control how she behaves or how she spends her time. A woman does not want a man to control her body and what is done to it.

We tend to keep our private thoughts to ourselves. But over the decades, problems arise and it is necessary to talk about them, otherwise feelings accumulate. Men learn that women often give in to a stronger point of view. Women tend to suggest what they want instead of fistfighting. But men interpret women’s more conciliatory approach as a sign of weakness. Most couples resort to silence. A couple has to be very brave to develop more explicit forms of communication. Ultimately, it’s easier for a man to look elsewhere if he’s not getting the sex he wants rather than investing in communication.

Most alternatives to intercourse require some discussion. It is difficult to communicate consent or objection to sexual activity midway. Ideally, communication about sexual pleasure takes place after sex, when a couple can compare notes on what worked and what to try next time. A much higher level of trust and communication is required to discuss ways to share our sexual fantasies with a partner during physical sexual play.

A more experienced man is cautious about suggesting sexual games because he anticipates a woman’s disapproval. Instead of accepting defeat, a man can take the initiative by exploring his lover’s body to see what it will allow him to do. Few women proactively engage in genital stimulation, so men get used to taking the lead and taking responsibility.

Couples do not explicitly discuss arousals and the stimulation a woman needs to reach orgasm. A man seeks emotional acceptance through sex. He links his need to please a lover with her willingness to offer sex. If a woman says nothing, the man assumes that she must have had an orgasm. Women will often stop a man who is stimulating her because she has had enough. Some men interpret this behavior as a sign that the woman has been ‘satisfied’.

A young man’s sexual needs outweigh any shyness he may feel about asking for sex. But over time a woman’s body language becomes less and less welcoming and her boredom more apparent. The couple stops having sex but never discusses the situation. If a couple is not having sex, then a man needs to invest in understanding some of the things a woman wants.

Sex is most rewarding for a woman in the romantic setting of a new relationship. At first, a man’s obvious pleasure in having sex with her gives a woman emotional assurance that she is needed. Later, sex becomes more routine. This is when couples need to invest in communication. Sex does not provide women with the same emotional reward that men get. Sex involves a woman giving pleasure.

A woman wants a man to invest in activities other than intercourse that add some variety to a couple’s sex lives. A man needs to think about how to make sex more varied by planning ahead. He also needs to invest in company time. For women, intimacy is much broader than sex. A woman feels that a man cares when she cares about her concerns.

One man referred to this abyss as ‘My own Gulf War… 6 inches between us in bed feels like 1,000 miles!’ (Bettina Arndt 2009)