I am tempted to email the other person in the matter to confront them

Many wives have at least the fleeting idea of ​​getting closer to the other woman in the affair. This is usually because they want information from her. They want to know what happened and why. They want to know what information the husband provided about the marriage and the wife. They want to know the status of the relationship now. And they want the other woman to know the truth. They want her to know that yes, her husband had a wife and a family and that now, because of the other woman’s selfishness, all of that is in danger.

These thoughts are understandable. It is completely natural to be curious and angry towards her. It’s completely natural to want to confront her with these feelings. But not all wives put this into action. Many are afraid of what they may discover. Others are afraid of what they might do if they actually came face to face with this person. This is why some are intrigued by social media or email forms of communication. That way, it’s easier to get out when things go wrong and at least you don’t have to look at her.

Someone might ask, “Actually, I found the other woman (whom my husband has been cheating on) on Facebook. From there, I was able to get her work email. Of course, my husband doesn’t want me to contact her. But I think part of that is that she’s afraid of the information she might get. She states that she’s afraid that she might try to hurt me emotionally because she says she can be mean and vindictive. She also says she’s not happy with him breaking it. I’m a girl big and I can handle it if she’s not so nice to me. But I’m not sure if she’s going to give me the information I want. Still, does it really hurt to try? Should I email her?”

I will be honest and admit that I never encourage a wife to contact or confront the other woman. The reason for this is that I never really see it doing any good. These two women often want very different things from this transaction. The other woman may get defensive. The wife may be outraged. Most of the time, neither of them has heard good things about the other. Under these circumstances, it can be very difficult to have a productive conversation. And frankly, sometimes when the other woman feels like you want information, that’s when she realizes what your coin is and that’s when she decides to keep that information secret.

Most of the time, she is determined not to give you what you want. And that can leave you more frustrated than when you started. Some wives have even told me that they outright lied or actively tried to hurt the wife or cause more conflict. Who needs that in their life? Who wants to invite more pain into an already painful situation?

That said, I understand why this option is tempting. You feel like you need information. However, in my experience, there is a better way to get accurate information without having to let this person into your life. Often a trained counselor can get the information she needs from her husband. This way, she doesn’t have to stoop to asking someone who has hurt her so badly for something that she might not give. When you do that, you put her in a position of power. That’s why she would never recommend emailing him (even though I know some people really can’t resist). I understand that sending an email allows more distance than a face-to-face meeting. So I understand the draw. But it also requires a lot of discipline. Because if she starts out with hurtful or destructive texts or emails, she’ll need the discipline to not only delete them, but to ignore her if she continues to try to reach you. What if she starts emailing you every day with nasty comments? (Because when you approach her, she now has access to your contact information. It’s a 2-way street.) I’m sure there are some wives who have the kind of discipline to ignore her, but I don’t think she would have. My emotions were so raw at the time.