I finally got my estranged spouse to try to reconcile, but it didn’t work

Sometimes I hear from people who are extremely upset because they are dealing with two very serious issues. The first is that they are separate but wish they weren’t. The second is that they had a chance to reconcile or get back together and it failed. So now, not only are they still apart, but they don’t know if they’ll ever get a chance to try again.

Someone might say, “My husband and I broke up because I felt he was having an inappropriate relationship with someone at work. He denied it, but his behavior toward me had changed. We have been married for over 15 years and I know his behavior very well. I knew something was wrong. When I tried to discuss this with him, he honestly made things worse instead of better. So I felt it was better if we took a little break. I honestly didn’t expect the break to last long. “But weeks went by without us speaking. I stayed with my aunt who said I was welcome as long as I needed to be there. Very slowly, my husband started calling me again and begging me to come home. I’m not the kind of person that he’s going to give in immediately, but I missed him so much that after a couple weeks of begging, I gave in and went home. Immediately, things were tense and horrible. I was hoping for a happy homecoming, but what I really am What happened was anything but that. like he didn’t want me there. I finally started asking him what was wrong. At first he denied any problem, but I continued with him. He eventually admitted that he has real feelings for the other woman at work, though he continues to deny any inappropriate relationship. I got so mad about this that I packed my bag and went back to my aunts. He doesn’t beg me anymore. When I talk to him, he is in a hurry to get off the phone. Now I’m afraid I’ve made a big mistake. By leaving like I did, he is now free to pursue a relationship with the other woman. Essentially, I gave her free rein to come and take my husband if that’s what she wants to do. Should he come home unannounced? He didn’t ask me to leave. I did it on my own. My fear is that if I go back home, things will be tense again.”

This is a complicated situation. And it happens a lot. These types of unfortunate situations are often the reason why I encourage couples to seek counseling during their separation and to take it easy. It’s a little harder to fix this than it would have been to rebuild the foundation before attempting reconciliation. However, none of this is impossible. But because you perceive that the other woman is in the photo, you feel like you don’t have the luxury of time. One way around this is to try to schedule regular times to meet up (preferably to seek advice or at least work on your relationship). If she thinks her husband won’t want counseling, then she can try just asking him to support you in sessions for you. This is a roundabout way of involving him, in the hope that he will gradually become more comfortable. the counselor can incorporate the topic of her marriage. You can also get together for coffee or dinner afterward, but at least this way, you’re working toward something and laying the groundwork instead of just hoping for the best without making any real changes.

If he doesn’t agree to this right away, just try to wait without pressure. Go back to what you did before when he called you regularly. If you’ve succeeded in being patient and optimistic before, then consider doing it one more time.

I know you are afraid that he will immediately start a relationship with another woman, but admitting his feelings for her does not mean that he will immediately pursue her. I’m not saying she can’t or won’t. I’m just saying it’s better to wait and see (while reminding her that he’s married with regular contact and hopefully counseling) than just assuming the worst. She may not even be interested. He may be the one with all the feelings.

If you think it’s important to address this, you can try a conversation like, “I want you to know that I am immediately sorry for leaving like this. I really wanted the reconciliation to work, but when you admitted your feelings for someone else, I reacted more out of fear than out of fear.” logic. I’m sorry. But it bothered me so much that I wasn’t really thinking. I was just reacting. I don’t want you to think that I’m not interested in making up anymore. Because I am. I just have some real concerns that need to be addressed and I’m not sure that none of us are qualified to do it alone. I’d love it if we could go to counseling together or at least you could go with when I attend. It may or may not work, but if it doesn’t work, at least we’ll know we tried. I don’t want to give up to this marriage, but neither of us are experts in mental health or marriage, so I think it’s smart to seek help. I don’t want to continue as we are. We both know that we are missing one. another, but we do not seem to know how to move successfully towards reconciliation. How do you feel about that?”

Hopefully he will agree. If not, I think it’s worth being patient and trying not to panic. If you start pushing and panicking, you almost make it easier for the other woman (and that’s assuming she shares your interest. We don’t know if she does. She may not want to get involved with him, even if he was willing. .)

The hope is that he will eventually miss you the same way he did the first time. But instead of rushing, you’ll now have the opportunity to build a new base and work out a few things before making the jump to live again right away.