My husband told me that he no longer wants to get married: tips and recommendations that can help

Few things are as hurtful and frustrating as when your husband tells you, in general, that he doesn’t want to be married anymore. I often get emails from wives who have just been involved in this situation and are frustrated, scared and confused. Often the husband does not provide details that would help her respond or formulate a plan. Out of the blue, she’ll say something like “I just don’t want to be married anymore. I’m not happy and I just want a fresh start.” Well, where does that leave you?

I know things seem hopeless right now, but it’s important to understand that you have no idea what tomorrow will bring. You know that at this particular moment in time, he is not satisfied with the marriage. That’s clear. But don’t give up before you’ve started fighting for your marriage if you want to save it. Not wanting to get married doesn’t necessarily mean that he doesn’t love you anymore or that you can’t reconnect. It often takes patience, a unique plan and determination, but I am living proof that it can be done.

Why men often decide they don’t want to be married anymore:Like I said, I get a lot of women on my site. But sometimes I have some men who really come to me for advice on how to end their marriages, how to break the news to their wives, or how to get their wives to agree to a divorce. I often talk to these guys about the nitty-gritty of the situation and what lies beneath their desire to get out. I’m obviously not his wife, so they have no reason to lie to me or sugarcoat things.

What I am often told is that the marriage has deteriorated to a point where it doesn’t look or feel like it used to. Whereas it once felt comfortable, nurturing, and fun, the words they use to describe it now are “stifling, restrictive, and depressing.”

But, this is what is interesting. Very few of them even mention her wives or her feelings for her in these descriptions. They rarely say “I’m not in love with my wife anymore” or “I don’t find her attractive anymore.” This is what most wives assume to be true, but I find that this is not the reality. Most of the time, what really happens is that the marriage now feels pretty unsatisfying, but her feelings towards you are often different. They feel trapped. They feel unappreciated. They feel that they somehow exist by your side, but unfortunately they are not connected to you.

And what it really comes down to about 98% of the time is that they think it’s not going to change. They are at a point where they feel that everything has been tried, that everything has been said, that they have given their best, but in the end it has not been enough. This is the most important thing you need to understand because it is the only thing you need to overcome. You have to change this core belief and show them that things can indeed change for the better.

Slowly changing your perception: I know when you read this you’re going to think it’s an oversimplification, but it’s the truth as I know it to be. If he wants to save her marriage, he must change her perception of him first. I have seen seemingly dead marriages saved because the wife was able to change the husband’s perception of her being married from negative to positive. Yes, this seems very simple, but in truth it is extremely multi-faceted and many small victories must be won until you are successful with this.

However, most people make this process more complicated than necessary. They will harass their husbands as to the exact reason they don’t want to get married. They will question any reason you give, they will beg the husband to “work” on things, they will declare the husband wrong, and they will do many other things that will only lead to more negative perceptions.

These actions will very often only do more damage to your marriage. Don’t give yourself more things to overcome. Don’t do extra work for yourself. Reduce this to the simplest step you can and just focus on that. Right now, that should be to change her husband’s perception of marriage.

This can take time. But take things slowly. You can start by making a list of what her husband loved about you. Then brainstorm ways you used to have fun together. Because I can guarantee you that the adjectives you have on your list – things like “fun-loving, sense of humor, easy-going”, etc. are not the things he would use to describe you now. Think about the things that used to define your marriage, like “intimate, loving, fun, fulfilling,” etc. and ask yourself what words describe your marriage now. I can tell you the words most husbands say to me: “stifling, stressful, combative.” You must change this.

Go back to your list and brainstorm how to come back and display the most important qualities. These are the things you’ll use to get your attention back on track. Now, I know you’re thinking “well, isn’t it too late? He already wants out. He’s probably out.” He can and he can not. But, he probably isn’t going to fall off the face of the earth. You’ll still need to see it and interact, and when you do, you need to make each one count. You need to use the qualities that you already know he loves about you. This does not include participating, begging or arguing.

Once you do this, he will eventually become more receptive to you. Once that happens, then focus on creating positive experiences together so that you have fun and you both want to repeat the process. Little by little, over time, he begins to see that being married to you is no longer a negative state. It’s one that puts a smile on his face and one where he can have fun and be fulfilled.

Always go slow. Never pressure or make demands. Don’t make this process too difficult or strenuous for either of you. You want to be calm, fun and positive. I know it’s a lot to ask when your marriage is in jeopardy. But, it is really the best way to change their perceptions so that with you they are somewhere they want to stay.