Seduction in marriage – Sex advice for married women

For too many married women, their sex life can best be described as a sad impasse. Which is not at all what they signed up for. As one of my marriage counseling clients put it, “I didn’t get married to fight about sex for 40 years.”

Nor did he aspire to feel co-CEO of his household. But many couples do. Without a sexual connection, life together can seem like a lot of work. The conflicts are deeper. When you feel sexually satisfied, it is easier to let things go. Whether or not the garbage was taken out is not as important as how close you feel.

The usual story is that women just don’t want to have sex anymore after a certain number of years of marriage. But I don’t think that’s true. It’s just that married women end up with a cocktail of pressures and disappointments that take their toll on their desire.

If this sounds like you, you can probably list a long list of sins your husband committed that brought you here. And I’m sure you’re right about at least some of them. But for now, I want you to consider how you might keep the impasse. Here are some sexual routines that women tend to get stuck in.

Are you afraid of being selfish?

Many men tell me that they try very hard to figure out how to please their wives, but the women just don’t talk. You could be a giver, attending to the needs of everyone but your own. And sex feels like one more way of taking care of her husband.

Or you could have been a little wilder when you were younger and now you’re not in the habit of talking sexy anymore.

So talk a bit. You know what you like. You know what your body needs. Perhaps you think that your husband is not interested in your needs. C’est possible. There are guys like that. But maybe you just need a little training. Sometimes when men seem indifferent, they actually feel tense or inadequate.

You may be afraid to speak up because you think your guy is too sensitive to sexual comments. In that, you’re probably right: most men are incredibly sensitive when it comes to getting simple information. What’s up with that? Do you think they were supposed to be born knowing the body of a woman? I admit that this is a complicated problem of communication in relationships.

What works very well is to be very discreet and friendly. You want to convey the idea that everything is great, just wonderful, and if you just did this one little thing here, it would be that much more amazing. I have trained many clients to use this approach with many happy results!

Do you reject their sexuality?

Men don’t always realize that you don’t want sex because of all the stress you’re under because it doesn’t work that way for them. Stress does not neutralize male libido. As my husband once said, “If men gave birth, they would want to have more sex after they have the baby, not less, so they can relax!”

And men don’t need to feel close before having sex. Usually it works the other way around. Sex makes them feel closer. This doesn’t make men callous brutes or some kind of lower life form, but women often act like it. To be fair, that’s because we’ve had to deal with callous brutes.

Very few of us enter marriage without being treated like a sexual object. Most of us have some experience with the classic “only wants one thing” idiot. Or worse, many of us have been abused. This makes it difficult for us to distinguish between a man who takes advantage of us and a really good man who has a different sexual response. But it is crucial that we learn to make that distinction.

Men are really hurt when women show contempt for their natural way of being. And they feel hurt when they are not wanted. They may not talk about it. Many times they simply go underground. This could be one of the reasons for that withdrawal that drives you crazy.

Have you chosen not to engage in sexual play?

Here’s a tough question for you: have you started treating sex like it’s optional? It is not. Taking the 30,000 foot view for a minute, marriage has taken many different forms over the years, but the one constant you’ll find across all eras and cultures is that marriage is a sexual relationship.

You may be too tired to care. You may feel distant due to the conflicts between the two of you. You may be completely absorbed in being a mom. But the “low desire” partner is actually just as responsible for the sexual relationship as the one who desires sex more. And whether you feel it on a gut level or not, you need it badly.

Sex (let it be good sex) brings warmth and care to a relationship. Bring more color and texture to your whole life. It’s a chance to stop the endless rushing and do-do-do and just be together and appreciate each other. Even though life is more complicated now, you still need and deserve that kind of time.

Are you just not interested in sex anymore? Chances are you don’t know how to find your way back to the sexy woman you used to be. Try kicking these clothes off and you might find that your passion is still there, waiting for you to wake it up.