Supporting the adolescent transition from childhood to adulthood

The fact that adolescents go through a transition period is not in dispute. We see it in our homes, on TV, at the mall. Almost everywhere we go, there are these teenagers, making their transition very obvious! For many adults, this period is uncomfortable to witness. We may find it scary, sad, or offensive. Some of us have the luxury of ignoring it, since we don’t have teenagers in our lives. But some of us don’t have a choice; We are surrounded by Teen Spirit! We often feel powerless to help; we are busy, they are scary, we feel incompetent, they reject our offers. The truth is, they DO need our help; How else are they going to learn to become happy and productive adults?

I’ve been playing with the Caterpillar-a-Butterfly analogy lately. The caterpillar/adolescent continues, happily chewing on leaves, when nature calls for a change. The caterpillar/adolescent enters its own little world and withdraws from “society”. This period is a mystery to biologists, but within this structure (the cocoon) nature is capable of transforming the hairy, spiny caterpillar/adolescent into a beautiful butterfly/adult.

It’s a nice comparison, right? Note, however, that something is off: where’s the analog cocoon when it comes to teenagers? Imagine that a butterfly forms out of the cocoon. It couldn’t happen. What secure structure is available for his delicate and dramatic transformation? If you take the time to observe teenagers, you realize that they feel more passionate about their lives when they belong to a system. For some it’s a strong family system, for others it’s school, a sports team, a club or a religious group. Others may find their purpose and passion through the responsibilities of holding down a job. Unfortunately, when left alone and with few tools to cope with impending adulthood, teens will create their own structure to give them a sense of security. Unfortunately, for some, a gang, drugs, or having babies provide structure that is lacking elsewhere.

How can parents create structure for their children?

1. A strong sense of family is crucial. It doesn’t matter what the family looks like as long as there is a strong sense of unity and common purpose.

2.All children need to feel safe. For a child this means that her parents are dependent, trustworthy, and consistent in her behavior. It means that, when making decisions that affect their children, parents take into account their children’s unique physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and psychological needs and limitations, as well as their strengths. It means that parents can be parents, even when it’s inconvenient, exhausting, or scary, and kids can be kids, even when it’s boring, “unfair,” or restrictive.

3. To learn about respect, compassion, and kindness, children need to see them demonstrated DAILY in their home. Love and acceptance should never (NEVER) be denied. We may disapprove or despair of our child’s behavior (and administer an appropriate consequence or arrange for an intervention such as coaching or counseling) and still offer words of love and acceptance, because that’s when our children probably need it most.

Just as the caterpillar needs a structure to fulfill its destiny and complete its natural, even divine transformation, so too an adolescent MUST have a structure to fulfill its sacred purpose in life. If a parent or other adult does not provide such a structure during adolescence, it can be rebuilt by the wounded and healing adult later in life. Regardless, structure is imperative.

Copyright February 2008 Margit Crane

All rights reserved