Do people finally regret cheating? Why do many do it?

I often hear from husbands or wives who want to know if their spouse will ever regret cheating on them. Many times, the cheating spouse has been able to justify her actions or is making all kinds of excuses for them. Many cheating spouses don’t seem to have an ounce of remorse, so it’s natural to wonder if they’ll ever feel any kind of remorse.

Common comments are things like, “My husband ended up leaving me for the woman he cheated on me with. Our marriage was having some problems, but nothing that couldn’t be worked out. When I found out, he didn’t even seem to be all that sorry. I didn’t even I didn’t even want to try to save our marriage. He left me and our kids for this other woman. He said he was going to marry her, but they broke up before they could get down the aisle. My husband now says she’s an intriguing woman and selfish and that he misjudged her. Yet he never expressed regret for his actions. My family is divided. I struggle to make ends meet and keep my house. But he never once admitted that cheating was a mistake. I wonder if people ever regret it when they cheat or have an affair, right?

The short answer is a resounding yes. On an extremely regular basis, I hear people deeply regret not only cheating, but also the fact that sometimes it’s too late to turn back time or do anything about it. They are often too embarrassed to show this regret to their spouse. But believe me when I tell you that many people feel some regret.

The kind of regret many people feel about cheating: Many people tell me that they only suspect their partner has regrets when the relationship between them and the person they cheated with doesn’t work out. Others will tell you that there is only repentance after the infidelity has been discovered and the cheating spouse must now face what she has done. We’ve all heard the phrase, “You’re not sorry you cheated. You’re sorry you got caught.”

But I have to tell you that it is obvious from the correspondence I receive that there are varied and genuine reasons why people repent and they have nothing to do with getting caught. They often feel very sorry for not having taken another path. Sure, their marriage may have been rocky or they may have been struggling, but they often realize there were probably better options than cheating. Many lament the effect his infidelity has had on his family. And many are very disappointed in themselves. This is not how they envisioned their marriage or their personal level of integrity. However, often these feelings come long after the cheating or affair is over, which brings me to my next point.

Why do people take so long to repent of cheating?: Many faithful husbands complain that they do not see the pain and are tired of waiting for it. I know from my own experience that this can be very frustrating. But it might be useful to know that it will come often. It may arrive later than you would like. The reason for this is that when an affair or infidelity is recent, people seem to spend a lot of time and emotional energy trying to justify it. This becomes important to them because if they cannot justify their actions, then they cannot continue to carry them out due to guilt or mixed feelings. So you must push down any guilt, sorrow, or regret you feel. But once the deception or affair is over for a while, they no longer have this need. And that’s when there is finally room for genuine feelings of regret to surface. It may be helpful to know that, almost without fail, there is often at least some regret present. Because at the end of the day, there’s never really any justification for cheating. Unhappy marriages can end before someone needs to start another relationship. So when things don’t turn out this way, most people regret that their actions weren’t the most honorable.

And, some people really take this one step further and may look back one day to realize that they jeopardized a perfectly good marriage with the love of their life because they made a mistake. Sometimes such errors cannot be corrected. But just as often, they can, although there is usually a lot of pain and hard work that needs to be addressed. So yeah, most people can’t help but feel some regret about these things.