Time out for adults

“Get off the table right now! What are you doing? The floors are for standing, the tables are for eating. You need a break, young lady. Go to your room and think about how you’ve been behaving today.”

So 4-year-old little Mary goes to her room with a grumpy expression on her face, but quickly gets lost in a game with her dolls and toys. When her mother comes to tell her she can go out, she’s so engrossed in playing that she barely looks up, completely forgetting why she was sent to a timeout in the first place.

So does time out work for kids?

Yes, but only when age appropriate (one minute for each year of age) and then followed by an eye-level discussion of why the action was unacceptable. There has to be some conversation or connection to the actual event or misconduct for it to be used as a teaching tool. In my experience, the consequences must be linked in some tangible way to the error for the discipline to be durable. Perhaps a more effective teaching discipline would be to have Mary scrub the table and chairs.

When the room is in chaos, the children fight, the phone rings, the potatoes burn, and the baby cries at the same time, the natural reaction is to explode. Even seeing the bike in the driveway, again, is enough to make the blood boil and steam out of our ears.

However, I am convinced that parents need to step back sometimes and reflect on the fact that they are teachers who are training the next generation, rather than giving in to the urge to yell, hit, or threaten.
Take a step back to see a new perspective.

By far you better give the child a warning and say, “I’m so angry right now that I’m afraid to say or do something that would make us both regret it, so I’m going to go to the bedroom and calm down for a few minutes. Meet me in the living room in 15 minutes and we’ll discuss it. But in the meantime, I suggest that you don’t bother me and take the time to think of solutions to the problem. “

When you feel tense, try saying reassuring things out loud to yourself: “Things will work out, it’s not worth a hit.” “I want the misbehavior to stop, but not hurt my child’s spirit.” “That was horrible. for her to have done, but she is not a rotten girl “” She is a good girl who made a bad decision “” Is it worth ruining the night? “” This too (or two, in the case of young children) will pass ” .

Relax a bit by taking a deep breath on the count of four, hold for the count of four, and release on the count of four, while thinking or saying out loud “Easy”. Now do it again at least three times. You may feel your muscles relax and your head clear up a bit. You will feel more in command of your voice and your actions.

Focus on solutions, not excuses

In 15 minutes (you often don’t have the luxury of a minute for each year of age, but wouldn’t that be nice?) You’ll have calmed down a bit and the child is ready to offer solutions. Don’t allow me to offer excuses, only solutions. Allowing him to take charge of the problem and the consequences makes for a much more effective learning experience for both of you. Taking time out before an argument gives both parent and child time to regain some perspective and come up with a much more meaningful solution than is offered in an angry moment.

An example of a mother

Sandy, a mother of 3, shared some great tips on dealing with children with a parenting class;

“A lot of times when the kids seemed to have ‘an attitude’ that I knew could quickly lead to a confrontation, I’d have them go into the kitchen and have a peanut butter sandwich or some cheese and crackers and then meet me at 20 Minutes to Discuss Often they were simply hungry or thirsty and needed to get some protein and carbohydrates in their body to regulate blood sugar. It is astonishing how many arguments were prevented by a full belly. Finding out that active kids ages 11 to 13-year-olds needed 3,000 calories a day to function and grow, which explained why they were in such a bad mood! “

Take some adult time to regroup

You have my permission to take time when you need it. Children need firm and gentle discipline and we cannot offer that when we are angry or out of control. A few minutes of reflection, prayer, or deep breathing can give us a new perspective on life and the pencil drawings on the living room wall.

You do the most important job in the world and twenty years from now, it will be a fun family story about Mary at the dining room table. On reflection, you’ll both realize that tables can be washed or even replaced, but close relationships and respectful guidance are priceless.

Judy H. Wright © 2005 www.ArtichokePress.com