Unhooking: the Velcro effect

On seemingly countless occasions I have been asked to help clients and students free themselves from resentments, regrets, conflicts, and old belief systems that no longer serve them well. At some point it became clear that velcro is a useful metaphor for understanding the problem and the solution.

How does Velcro really work? It works thanks to the blocking of two small hooking devices that look in opposite directions. Efficiency is measured by the energy demonstrated when the part is pulled. Scritch!

Of course, in the life of any velcro strap there comes a point where it no longer holds up. Some hooks are no longer hooks and no longer lock.

If you think about a conflict of some kind, even if that conflict is with a belief system or an institution, it works the same way on a psychological level. We are “hooked” to a “hook” on the other side. And the pain, anger, or discouragement we feel is the energy of the dysfunctional connection.

Interestingly, even if we can muster the means to break free, Velcro’s psychological effect still works when we get close to the other hook. Think of all the bad relationships that are broken, seemingly for the better, only to start over when the parties meet. Or resentment or pain that is believed to be resolved until one party bumps into another and the feelings return. Or consider people who think they’ve had major changes in their outlook only to find that they start over with a psychic boost.

Velcro, whether in the material or psychic realm, will always behave like Velcro until one or both hooks dissolve.

Let’s be honest. It is a fool’s game to think that someone or something is going to change. In other words, planning the dissolution of the hook on the other side is not a good strategy. Therefore, we are left to work on our own.

As a side note, have you ever noticed that blaming the other party doesn’t produce real results? That’s because the only solution is on our proverbial side of the street … or Velcro if you prefer.

So how do we deal with our hook?

First, we have to take a good look at it and understand it. Perhaps I have a fatal attraction to defenseless women. (This is a fun example to play with!) I should start by seeing that there is a pattern.

Normally, then, we must look at the effects it produces: pain, suffering, frustration, anger, injuries, etc. And it helps make it as real as possible. In other words, it is not enough to see them conceptually. What are the wounds for defenseless women and me? Exactly what negative results come up? In recovery programs, they would call this an inventory of unmanageability.

Seeing the effects brings into play the emotional centers of the psyche. We can “know” that something is true, but be totally divorced from its implications. We may have it in our heads, but not in our hearts.

Next, we must examine the value we find on the hook and its effects. Humans only act based on perceived benefit. Rest assured that if we are negatively attached to something, we have a reward.

Here’s a great example related to a fatal attraction to helpless women. What if my life pattern has been to find meaning for myself by trying to repair those that are not repairable? The payoff is psychological. Failure and suffering give me meaning, even if it is a twisted meaning. In the worst case, the “helper” becomes my identity. I have no meaning to me other than that.

If I can get a good look at the value I’m getting and see that it’s not really valuable, then my hook will dissolve. The result is that the Velcro effect ceases. I am free.

One sage calls this process “reassessment.” The ancient Greeks called it “metanoia”, a profound change of opinion. I call it Seeing Truth. If we want to keep it simple, we could just say “there is a release.”

Regardless, when the value changes, all the behavior necessarily changes.

The design is perfect actually. If you can hear, feel or see the “scritch” anywhere in your life, it is a sure sign that cleaning is required. When the “scritch” wears off, the job is done.

Velcro. Who knew it could teach us so much.

See truth

Jesus told us that you cannot put new wine into old wineskins. That’s an ancient Velcro parable.

See the truth in action

Let’s play a hypothesis game to see the Velcro effect.

• Select some place in your life that is not resolved and that presents you with some pain or distress.

• First, describe the “hook” on the other side articulating what that person, circumstance, institution or belief is doing that affects you.

• Then describe the effect it is having, for example, frustration, anger, loss of sleep, etc.

• Assuming then that to be “hooked” you must have a “hook” inside of you, how could the Velcro effect occur? What could be the basis for “hooking up”? Come up with as many plausible ideas as you can.

• Then rank the ideas on how they might “hook you up.” Bring the best to the top of the proverbial heap. Be careful to find your “hook”, not theirs.

• Using the most likely explanations, explore them to see what you can learn.

• When you’re done, see if the pain or distress has been altered as a result.