Christmas Shopping Survival Guide

There are only a few days left and everyone is in a hurry to do last-minute shopping. The vendors are ready. They are also trying to get those last minute sales so they can have more eggnog this year.

Don’t fall for the same sales tactics you do every year. Some of those things you don’t even need. You just don’t know how to tell when. Your credit card is bleeding. Your checkbook is crying and your paycheck is just trying to get some rest. But you won’t let it!

So when you are in the mall it is vital that you know how to survive. They have thousands of books on parenting. But there is no shopping survival guide! Without it, you might as well walk around with a bunch of cash in hand, handing it out to anyone who talks to you. So here is my take on what has worked for me over the years.

harden your heart

It is the most anti-Christmas thing that can be said! But, your heart has to be hard when it comes to shopping. Get the death star. Practice it in the mirror. It’s the look that’s right between when your eyes cloud over in a boring meeting and when you get mad because someone ate your leftovers.

To get that look, you have to numb yourself. Buy a cheap teddy bear or something similar at a discount store. Take it to your car and look at it for a second. Then gouge out its eyes and rip off its head. When you stop crying, you’re ready for war at the mall.

Avoid eye contact

Trust me! These are highly trained assassins. They know how to take down their prey. The weak are out of luck. Therefore, do not make eye contact with the salespeople who are in the middle of the mall or at the entrance of their store. If they have something for free, it’s a trick. It’s the glare that leads him to the store where they can blame him for buying everything they suggest.

If you make the big mistake of looking them in the eye, be prepared to deal with some huge sweaters. It’s not okay for them to say you don’t love your family enough if you don’t buy that useless junk they’re pushing you. Your dog doesn’t even know it’s Christmas. Don’t let them pull that either.

Also, you must remember that you do not have a mistress. Get that manipulative question wrong and suddenly you find yourself being blackmailed. The seller already has his credit card number, the phone number and the cell phone he is dialing with his wife about to answer. It’s a mental war zone. You better eat your Wheaties!

No!

That’s how it is! Learn to say the word “No.” I’m at the point where I can say it before they say anything. I can say it before they realize I’m somewhere. But, you have to be forceful. Then reinforce the blunt.

They are not borderline stalkers. You have to remember that you came to play on his lawn. That’s her living room and you’re up there! So they will keep coming to you even after you have told them,

“No!”

“Goal sir!”

“No!”

“But, all I wanted to say was…”

“No!”

“What time is it?”

“No!”

“Time is right?”

“No!”

You get the picture!

Christmas is the time of the year for everyone to be merry. But for those of you who still have some shopping to do, it’s time to polish up those combat boots and lace them up. The mall is the battlefield and the vendor is the enemy. They are the enemy until they have exactly what you want! Then talk to them like you know them and see what deal you can get.