My husband left me: how should I act towards him?

I often hear from wives who are emotionally devastated after their husband has left them. But, for strategic reasons, they are not sure to show him this reality. Many ask me if they should try to tone down her emotions or portray themselves in a certain way to increase the chances of him coming home so they can win him back or save her marriage.

I heard of a wife who said, “My husband left me. There was no real warning. I knew we were having some problems with our marriage, but never in my wildest dreams did I think he would take it this far. I came home from work to find a note on the kitchen table that said he thought we should live apart for now to assess our marriage and our lives. I’m devastated. I’m sad. And I’m mad at him for doing this to us. But I’m not sure how act. I’m afraid to show him how angry and scared I really am. I feel like I have to be careful who or what to show him right now. How should a wife act after her husband leaves, especially when she wants him back? “

For me, the key words in that last question are “when she wants it back.” Because if you don’t care if you see him again or if you stay married to him, then it really doesn’t matter how you act. You could act the way you wanted according to your feelings without worrying about repercussions.

But if you want him back and your marriage is still very important to you, then how you act or react can be very important and can make a difference in the outcome. So if you still want to save your marriage, I’ll give you my opinion on what I think is the best course of action. This is based on my own experience, my research, and all the stories and experiences I hear on my blog.

Know that if your husband is trying to get your attention by leaving, then completely ignoring him is probably not in your best interest: Many times, a husband leaves because he doesn’t know what else to do. Often the two of them keep going round and round with the same old issues and problems, but they don’t make much progress. Too often, instead of continuing to talk but not really getting anywhere, a husband will walk away in exasperation or in an attempt to get her attention.

But many wives will try to give power back to them because they don’t want to give their husbands the satisfaction of seeing them get mad. They will then act like they don’t care or try to ignore the situation. But knowing that he is trying to get her attention, ask yourself if this is really the best call or if it is going to create an even bigger problem.

In my opinion and experience, there is always a middle ground. Of course you don’t want to go to either extreme. You don’t want to come across as someone who is devastated and can’t cope. But at the same time, you don’t want to act like you don’t care when nothing could be further from the truth.

Finding the middle ground – setting it up so that you have the best chance of him coming home to save your marriage: I know it’s hard not to get carried away by emotions. You have your pride. You have your fear. And you may well have your feelings and misunderstandings.

But if you’re going to make progress so that you can eventually bring it home and save your marriage, you’ll often have to put those things aside and focus on sitting down at the table in a spirit of cooperation. It is true that you probably made a hasty and selfish decision that probably hurt you deeply. But you can’t stop at that because doing so doesn’t help your marriage at all or move it forward.

Behaviors you want me to see after you leave: Now that I’ve discussed how he’s trying to get your attention and you should, as part of your strategy, come to the table in a spirit of cooperation, let’s talk about what that looks like in real life.

The wife knew that the husband would eventually contact her because they had business deals that would need to be discussed. So when she did, she could say “needless to say, I’m disappointed that you left. I was shocked and devastated when I got home. But right now, what’s more important is that we move on. Obviously, there’s some things that are bothering you or you wouldn’t have left. I haven’t been a hundred percent happy either. So now that the decision has been made, maybe we can both use this time to assess what we really want and think about how we do it. … could help each other to get what we both want.”

I hope you see what attitude I am going to adopt here. In the dialogue above, her wife was able to tell her husband that she was hurt and disappointed, but she didn’t stop at that, nor did she break down and beg him to come back. But she made it clear that she wanted to work with him to find a way for them both to be happy. And when she can set it up so that she is working with her husband instead of against him, she will be much closer to the right path.

You matter too: I have emphasized that you need to make it clear that you still care about your husband and want to make him happy. But at the same time, you also matter. She shouldn’t be all about what she wants and what she’s thinking. You must make it very clear that you are using this time to consider what makes you happy. It should ask itself (at least a little bit) how you’re spending your time. And every time you’re together or talking, it should seem like you’re getting by, reflecting on your own desires, and focused on making your life happy. Make sure that you are upbeat and easy to be around. This ensures that your husband wants to see more of you so that he has an ongoing foundation to build on.

Sometimes when I talk about this with wives, they say they feel like they have to act a certain way. I guess that’s one way of looking at it. But I think of it this way. You are showing him the best side of you. You are allowing him to see the woman he fell in love with and remember you as best as possible so that he misses you, wonders if she was wrong to leave, and finally wants to come back.